So, it's that time of year again. The shops are packed and busy, open longer and considerably less pleasant places to be, no matter which side of the till you're standing.
We all know how stressful Christmas shopping can be, but for many shopkeepers its nothing short of hellish. A long, grinding event that sucks away any trace of festive cheer and goodwill.
So I say spare a thought for the guy behind the till this year. The guy who's had it shoved down his throat since the start of november. The guy who's had to listen to those irritating Christmas songs at least nine hours a day, every day for the past month.
I say give him or her a gift. A small gift, that doesn't cost you a penny. This year, don't bitch and complain because he doesn't have what you want, or because you've been in a queue for a long time. Just give him or her a nice smile, a please and a thank you, and be about your business nice and quickly. Don't waste time nitpicking over details you know don't matter, especially when the shop is busy. Just leave him be. Remember that you'll be home and comfortable in an hour or two, but he's still got the rest of the day, then all day tomorrow, and the day after. He'll probably be working Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day, or both. Take some pity and be nice, even if it's just for the rest of the year. Make a shopkeeper's life a bit easier, even if it's only for a couple of minutes.
This isn't a personal request. Yes, I hate Christmas in shops too, but frankly my place isn't where you'd really go to buy gifts. But I have been there before, and know the pain of those poor souls trapped in those busy Christmas hellholes.
Remember, just a smile, good manners and an absence of time wasting. Make someone's Christmas a little happier for a few seconds.
Tuesday 11 December 2007
The Expectant Silence.
First of all, yes i have been incredibly lazy and not updated for nearly a month. I can't whinge at you people all the time. Well, alright I could. I just don't want to.
Today I'm going to cover a phenomenon that i have encountered ever since I started working retail, no matter where or for what company. The expectant silence. The pregnant pause, if you will. Or perhaps more of a pause expecting to be impregnated. Although not literally. Obviously.
This occurs when, shock horror, you are not able to help someone. Allow me to elaborate. A conversation may run thus:
Customer: Do you sell flourescent lighting tubes?
Me: No, i'm afraid we don't.
*Insert long silence here*
The customer is clearly expecting something more. Perhaps they are hoping that staring at you for long enough will change the laws of physics and reality as we know it, thus changing the result of their enquiry to something that suits them better.
It's fair to guess that perhaps they're hoping for a little more help, like where they can actually find what they're looking for. Like that's my problem. However, nice and kind as I am, if I can help them, I will. This does, admittedly, seem to make them go away.
Except sometimes I really can't help their either. Sometimes I'm faced with something I either can't identify, or just simply don't know where you could buy one. I mean let's face it, if you don't know, it's entirely possible that I don't either. I am only human after all. So I will apologise, and simply tell the truth.
The silence continues, coupled with that strange half-expectant, half-vacant stare (although to be fair, that's Standard Customer Face #1). At this point I'm simply at a loss for how to terminate the conversation in a polite, professional manner. I'll try apologising and reaffirming my inability to help again. Nope, they're still here. I can't quite figure out what else they want from me.
Sometimes they'll go as far as to get angry at me. Which is a little unfair. I'm almost certain it isn't my fault. However this does give me the excuse to avoid the whole 'polite, professional' bit. If you're mean to me, I feel qualified to completely ignore you. Swear at me on the phone, for example, and i will simply hang up. Sometimes I prefer it when people are rude. It makes it easier to be rude back.
However we're still stuck with this customer, who still seems to want something, all the while staring at you in a way that reminds you of a cow that isn't sure why you're in its field. You know the look I mean. Go find a cow, then you'll understand.
So how do I get out of the situation? To be honest, I still haven't figured it out. It usually ends in an awkward communication breakdown, and me finding an excuse to move away.
I want to get this straight though. This isn't a rare occurance. I'll generally be faced with at least one every day, generally though I could encounter anything from one to ten over the course of a shift. It happens on the phone too, only without the staring. Or at least you can't see it.
I'd like to finish on a closing thought, but I don't appear to have one.
Today I'm going to cover a phenomenon that i have encountered ever since I started working retail, no matter where or for what company. The expectant silence. The pregnant pause, if you will. Or perhaps more of a pause expecting to be impregnated. Although not literally. Obviously.
This occurs when, shock horror, you are not able to help someone. Allow me to elaborate. A conversation may run thus:
Customer: Do you sell flourescent lighting tubes?
Me: No, i'm afraid we don't.
*Insert long silence here*
The customer is clearly expecting something more. Perhaps they are hoping that staring at you for long enough will change the laws of physics and reality as we know it, thus changing the result of their enquiry to something that suits them better.
It's fair to guess that perhaps they're hoping for a little more help, like where they can actually find what they're looking for. Like that's my problem. However, nice and kind as I am, if I can help them, I will. This does, admittedly, seem to make them go away.
Except sometimes I really can't help their either. Sometimes I'm faced with something I either can't identify, or just simply don't know where you could buy one. I mean let's face it, if you don't know, it's entirely possible that I don't either. I am only human after all. So I will apologise, and simply tell the truth.
The silence continues, coupled with that strange half-expectant, half-vacant stare (although to be fair, that's Standard Customer Face #1). At this point I'm simply at a loss for how to terminate the conversation in a polite, professional manner. I'll try apologising and reaffirming my inability to help again. Nope, they're still here. I can't quite figure out what else they want from me.
Sometimes they'll go as far as to get angry at me. Which is a little unfair. I'm almost certain it isn't my fault. However this does give me the excuse to avoid the whole 'polite, professional' bit. If you're mean to me, I feel qualified to completely ignore you. Swear at me on the phone, for example, and i will simply hang up. Sometimes I prefer it when people are rude. It makes it easier to be rude back.
However we're still stuck with this customer, who still seems to want something, all the while staring at you in a way that reminds you of a cow that isn't sure why you're in its field. You know the look I mean. Go find a cow, then you'll understand.
So how do I get out of the situation? To be honest, I still haven't figured it out. It usually ends in an awkward communication breakdown, and me finding an excuse to move away.
I want to get this straight though. This isn't a rare occurance. I'll generally be faced with at least one every day, generally though I could encounter anything from one to ten over the course of a shift. It happens on the phone too, only without the staring. Or at least you can't see it.
I'd like to finish on a closing thought, but I don't appear to have one.
Wednesday 21 November 2007
The Joy Of The Education System
I have, for a while now, worried about some of the standards of teachers in local schools. I wouldn't trust some of them to boil and egg, let alone prepare children for work and life in the outside world.
I encountered a teacher today (and on previous days), who apparently teaches electronics to his children. He does not appear to be an intelligent man, but thats possibly because he hardly speaks english. This alone bothers me. How can you teach children if they can't understand you? But thats an argument for another time, in another place.
My problem is with the questions he asked me, and the information he couldn't give me. Put simply, he needed a resistor for a circuit he was building for his class. He couldn't tell me what value he needed, and there are quite a few different values, which makes guessing impossible and inadvisable.
This alone is mildly worrying. What is seriously worrying is that he expected me to know. He expected me to be able to work it out for him (i could have, but he still didnt give me nearly enough information to work with) and tell him precisely what he needed, as he wasn't capable. When i explained i couldnt do this with the information he was giving me, he told me i should know because 'you're the professional'.
What?
At this point i had to point out that i wasn't, in fact, a professional. I told him 'Sir, i'm a shopkeeper who gets paid minimum wage, and therefore doesn't recieve any training. You clearly earn a lot more than me, and you teach electronics. You should be telling me what you need, not the other way around.'
Now i ask you: if you had/have children, would you be happy to know that their teachers were getting all their information from a slightly angry, minimum wage earning, untrained shop assistant? The fact that i could have worked it out for him if he had given me a little more information is irrelevant. It's not required of me to know, i've just learned from other people. I'm almost certain a teacher should be better trained than that.
And of course, let me look at some other facts:
- I speak better english, and more clearly than he does
- I appear to know more about electronics than he does
-I'm hoping i smell better than he does
-I don't need something repeated to me five times before i listen to it
-If i need something, i generally know what it is i need before i buy it, through prior study and research.
So why does he get the flashy car, and i get to take a bus? What went wrong here? If i'd known it was that easy to get a degree, i would have certainly gone to university, but i seem to have mistakenly believed that to be a teacher you needed to be, y'know, really clever?
It seems i was wrong. And that makes me a little angry, not for me, but for those poor kids who can't possibly be getting a proper education.
I encountered a teacher today (and on previous days), who apparently teaches electronics to his children. He does not appear to be an intelligent man, but thats possibly because he hardly speaks english. This alone bothers me. How can you teach children if they can't understand you? But thats an argument for another time, in another place.
My problem is with the questions he asked me, and the information he couldn't give me. Put simply, he needed a resistor for a circuit he was building for his class. He couldn't tell me what value he needed, and there are quite a few different values, which makes guessing impossible and inadvisable.
This alone is mildly worrying. What is seriously worrying is that he expected me to know. He expected me to be able to work it out for him (i could have, but he still didnt give me nearly enough information to work with) and tell him precisely what he needed, as he wasn't capable. When i explained i couldnt do this with the information he was giving me, he told me i should know because 'you're the professional'.
What?
At this point i had to point out that i wasn't, in fact, a professional. I told him 'Sir, i'm a shopkeeper who gets paid minimum wage, and therefore doesn't recieve any training. You clearly earn a lot more than me, and you teach electronics. You should be telling me what you need, not the other way around.'
Now i ask you: if you had/have children, would you be happy to know that their teachers were getting all their information from a slightly angry, minimum wage earning, untrained shop assistant? The fact that i could have worked it out for him if he had given me a little more information is irrelevant. It's not required of me to know, i've just learned from other people. I'm almost certain a teacher should be better trained than that.
And of course, let me look at some other facts:
- I speak better english, and more clearly than he does
- I appear to know more about electronics than he does
-I'm hoping i smell better than he does
-I don't need something repeated to me five times before i listen to it
-If i need something, i generally know what it is i need before i buy it, through prior study and research.
So why does he get the flashy car, and i get to take a bus? What went wrong here? If i'd known it was that easy to get a degree, i would have certainly gone to university, but i seem to have mistakenly believed that to be a teacher you needed to be, y'know, really clever?
It seems i was wrong. And that makes me a little angry, not for me, but for those poor kids who can't possibly be getting a proper education.
Friday 2 November 2007
Signs Of A Healthy Mind... I Hope.
It's entirely possible that you're sick of retail:
- If you spend your free time imagining various ingenious deathtraps in which to ensnare your customer before they could reach you.
- When viewing the cluster of customers gathered around the counter, and approaching you from other parts of the shop, your are instantly reminded of that zombie movie you saw once.
- When not at work and actually going to a different shop, to buy things yourself, you find yourself trying to avoid the other customers in case they want to ask you something.
- When at another shop, the sound of their telephone ringing both annoys you and fills you with an overwhelming need to answer it, or at least throw it at something.
- When you start avoiding normal people in the street, because you fear they are going to want you to serve them.
- When you've trained your brain to ignore customers while they talk endlessly on, and only switch on when certain key words are spoken.
- If you posess the desire to give someone a serious electrical shock via the telephone they're using to bother you right now.
- If you wish you could install some device onto the door, so that customers would have to pass a basic intelligence test before they could gain entry, thus permanently barring 90% of your customers, who have the mental capabilities of a sock puppet. Or a piece of lumber.
- If you spend your free time imagining various ingenious deathtraps in which to ensnare your customer before they could reach you.
- When viewing the cluster of customers gathered around the counter, and approaching you from other parts of the shop, your are instantly reminded of that zombie movie you saw once.
- When not at work and actually going to a different shop, to buy things yourself, you find yourself trying to avoid the other customers in case they want to ask you something.
- When at another shop, the sound of their telephone ringing both annoys you and fills you with an overwhelming need to answer it, or at least throw it at something.
- When you start avoiding normal people in the street, because you fear they are going to want you to serve them.
- When you've trained your brain to ignore customers while they talk endlessly on, and only switch on when certain key words are spoken.
- If you posess the desire to give someone a serious electrical shock via the telephone they're using to bother you right now.
- If you wish you could install some device onto the door, so that customers would have to pass a basic intelligence test before they could gain entry, thus permanently barring 90% of your customers, who have the mental capabilities of a sock puppet. Or a piece of lumber.
Monday 29 October 2007
On Discounts
This is another of my numerous pet hates. I have a lot of pet hates really. Possibly enough to form a Menagerie of Hate, but thats another story.
There are certain circumstances under which a discount is acceptable. Ex-display products for example. Or products with damaged packaging, no problem. If you're buying a lot of stuff that comes to a decent total (like £200+ at least), and you're nice, i may also then consider a discount.
I will not give a discount for the following reasons:
-If you've seen a single item you like, and want to pay less. If i was going to hand out a discount on a single £180 item, why bother pricing it at £180 in the first place? (bear in mind i am not asked 'could i have a discount?' but am instead asked 'how much discount will you give me?' as though i intended to charge you less than sticker price all along)
-If you are incredibly tight-fisted and can't see your way to paying the full price for what you want. For example, I have been confronted with situations like: "£9.99? That's a bit expensive. Will you give me discount?" The answer will be no. A thousand times no.
-If you've bought more than five items. As i've said before, thats fine if those items are a few hundred pounds worth. However, if the combined sum is under £20 don't even ask. I don't care if you 'bought all this stuff' it's still not worth any money off.
-If you haven't brought enough money. Just... no.
-Because the product has been opened. Sorry, but it's still new, and in full working order. The packaging is in good condition. Not to mention that it was you that opened it in the first place.
These examples, and countless more besides, are all completely genuine. It's amazing how many people think they're entitled to a discount for no apparent reason. It's not as though i like them in any way.
People! Prices are there because thats what you have to pay for the product in question! Discounts are the exception, not the rule!
Oh, and don't go moving a product to a different peg, so you can use the 'you have to honour the sticker price' argument on me. That's only true if the sticker price for the same product is different to what the till rings up. I can tell if you move it, you know.
There are certain circumstances under which a discount is acceptable. Ex-display products for example. Or products with damaged packaging, no problem. If you're buying a lot of stuff that comes to a decent total (like £200+ at least), and you're nice, i may also then consider a discount.
I will not give a discount for the following reasons:
-If you've seen a single item you like, and want to pay less. If i was going to hand out a discount on a single £180 item, why bother pricing it at £180 in the first place? (bear in mind i am not asked 'could i have a discount?' but am instead asked 'how much discount will you give me?' as though i intended to charge you less than sticker price all along)
-If you are incredibly tight-fisted and can't see your way to paying the full price for what you want. For example, I have been confronted with situations like: "£9.99? That's a bit expensive. Will you give me discount?" The answer will be no. A thousand times no.
-If you've bought more than five items. As i've said before, thats fine if those items are a few hundred pounds worth. However, if the combined sum is under £20 don't even ask. I don't care if you 'bought all this stuff' it's still not worth any money off.
-If you haven't brought enough money. Just... no.
-Because the product has been opened. Sorry, but it's still new, and in full working order. The packaging is in good condition. Not to mention that it was you that opened it in the first place.
These examples, and countless more besides, are all completely genuine. It's amazing how many people think they're entitled to a discount for no apparent reason. It's not as though i like them in any way.
People! Prices are there because thats what you have to pay for the product in question! Discounts are the exception, not the rule!
Oh, and don't go moving a product to a different peg, so you can use the 'you have to honour the sticker price' argument on me. That's only true if the sticker price for the same product is different to what the till rings up. I can tell if you move it, you know.
Thursday 25 October 2007
I Wish I Had An Idea-Hammer...
...which i could use to physically drive information into the brain of a customer.
Consider today. He needs a certain cable. This certain cable will not work properly if run for a length of over three metres. Sadly he needs at least six, preferably ten. Fair enough, but tough luck unfortunately. I offer the altenative solutions, but they aren' adequate. At this point, normal people accept the fact that what they want simply isn't possible, and perhaps retire to think about other ways around the problem, or ways to use the solutions i've offered.
Of course some people aren't that simple. They repeatedly insist that they need it to be longer, as though coninued repetition alters reality. They also repeatedly offer the concept of joining two cables together. Each time i explain that doing such a thing really doesn't alter the nature of the problem. That signal still needs to travel the length of the cable. Still, i can understand the mistake the first time, but fifteen minutes and thirty repetitions later, It's starting to wear thin. I eventually failed. One imagines he'll be back to return the extra cable and the coupler tomorrow.
Secondly, it never ceases to amaze me that someone can tell me over and over again how much of a hurry they're in, jiggle around impatiently, and still manage to dither around and waste quarter an hour of my time. They'll happily arse around for ages reading the small print on the side of a box, then comparing it to the small print of a different box, and obsess over a tiny detail nobody ever cared about, yet then fidget around restlessly and moan when it takes more than five seconds to print a reciept.
Lastly, it amazes me that a customer can come in, and give me the tiniest possible information about the product he seeks. When this proves to be too little information to act on, he gets annoyed and wants to talk to someone else. When he gets to the next memeber of staff, he magically comes up with much more detail on what he wants. When this still turns out not to be enough, or that we dont do exactly what he needs, he wants to talk to yet another person. When this person arrives, he suddenly changes the details altogether, asks for a completely different product, finds and gets what he needs, and sneers at the first two staff member as though they were idiots. This might be some strange superiority fettish, but I haven't managed to secure confirmation yet.
Consider today. He needs a certain cable. This certain cable will not work properly if run for a length of over three metres. Sadly he needs at least six, preferably ten. Fair enough, but tough luck unfortunately. I offer the altenative solutions, but they aren' adequate. At this point, normal people accept the fact that what they want simply isn't possible, and perhaps retire to think about other ways around the problem, or ways to use the solutions i've offered.
Of course some people aren't that simple. They repeatedly insist that they need it to be longer, as though coninued repetition alters reality. They also repeatedly offer the concept of joining two cables together. Each time i explain that doing such a thing really doesn't alter the nature of the problem. That signal still needs to travel the length of the cable. Still, i can understand the mistake the first time, but fifteen minutes and thirty repetitions later, It's starting to wear thin. I eventually failed. One imagines he'll be back to return the extra cable and the coupler tomorrow.
Secondly, it never ceases to amaze me that someone can tell me over and over again how much of a hurry they're in, jiggle around impatiently, and still manage to dither around and waste quarter an hour of my time. They'll happily arse around for ages reading the small print on the side of a box, then comparing it to the small print of a different box, and obsess over a tiny detail nobody ever cared about, yet then fidget around restlessly and moan when it takes more than five seconds to print a reciept.
Lastly, it amazes me that a customer can come in, and give me the tiniest possible information about the product he seeks. When this proves to be too little information to act on, he gets annoyed and wants to talk to someone else. When he gets to the next memeber of staff, he magically comes up with much more detail on what he wants. When this still turns out not to be enough, or that we dont do exactly what he needs, he wants to talk to yet another person. When this person arrives, he suddenly changes the details altogether, asks for a completely different product, finds and gets what he needs, and sneers at the first two staff member as though they were idiots. This might be some strange superiority fettish, but I haven't managed to secure confirmation yet.
Friday 12 October 2007
The Worst Five Minutes Of The Day...
... Are surprisingly the last.
You'd think that the promise of going home would make these five minutes a deleriously happy festival of anticipation. They are instead a tension filled, slow moving hell that can determine one's mood for the remainder of the evening. This is due to that insidious beast... The Last Minute Customer.
The Last Minute Customer is the bane of my existance. He has hundreds of different faces (and odours). He doesn't appear to care that you want to go home. He doesn't care that you don't get paid after six. He'll gladly wander in at three minutes to, and pretty much refuse to leave until he's finished being served. This can take anywhere from five minutes (minor irritation), to half an hour (seething rage). If you try to hint to him that you might like him to go home now, he will ignore you. If you dare to do so much as outright chuck him out, he will explode in a fit of rage and complain to your head office.
He might not even buy anything. He'll gladly fart-arse about and waste your time, and do all the normal crap that customers do all day (only now it feels 100x more excruciating) without shame or apology, and still not spend any money.
Sometimes you will thwart him. You will get that door closed and locked before he makes it. But it isn't over. He will knock on the doors and windows, rattle the door handle, wave and shout at you, demanding to come in. Even if the shutters have been put down, he will still try to force the door open. If you just happen to unlock the door for a moment, to let your last customer out (another Last Minute Customer, successfully ousted), he will attempt to force his way in. As though that will earn him the right to be served.
I'd like to take a moment to point out that this is not the case. We're not running some grand challenge. We're not trying to lock that door to challenge you, to see if you can make it in and get served. We're doing it because we're finished. Entering the building does not alter this, i promise.
In one case, we actually had a guy come round to the back door, half an hour after closing, and had the cheek to complain (and threaten to complain to head office) because we wouldnt give him a refund. Bear in mind the tills weren't just closed, but cashed up and locked in the safe. I wasn't there personally, but i would have asked him just how he planned to word his complaint. 'They wouldn't give me a refund when I knocked at the delivery entrance half an hour after closing' wouldn't carry much weight, i imagine.
A lot of Last Minute Customers are difficult refunds. This is because they know you are much less likely to argue, as you want to go home. This is a false assumption. We know your game, and hate you viciously for it. You're more likely to get sent home and told to come back another time, or we'll simply choose to send it away for testing, which can take several weeks. You want to waste our time, we're only too happy to waste yours.
Now i know some people are working, and don't get out until we're nearly closed. This is not a valid excuse in my opinion. We sell next to nothing that could be described as an 'essential'. I don't see why your average person couldn't wait a day longer for anything they could buy from us. Therefore, i propose they do what i do. Go shopping on a day off. It makes sense you know.
Remember: When a store's opening hours are 9 till 6, or 10 till 8 or whatever, those are the hours it is open for. 6pm is not the time you need to arrive by to get served, it is the time we are finished, completely and totally. It is the time from which the company no longer pays us. Now I have a hard time caring about the average customer when i'm being paid to do so. Why i should care for free is beyond me. So do not arrive at a shop two minutes before closing, and expect more than two minutes service. If you need half an hour's service, arrive at the store more than half an hour before closing. It sounds simple, but apparently it isnt.
On a completely different note, when a customer points to a battery charger, and asks you what it is, or specifically points to the sign that says 'battery charger' and asks what it is, how do you explain it without using the words 'battery' or 'charger'?
You'd think that the promise of going home would make these five minutes a deleriously happy festival of anticipation. They are instead a tension filled, slow moving hell that can determine one's mood for the remainder of the evening. This is due to that insidious beast... The Last Minute Customer.
The Last Minute Customer is the bane of my existance. He has hundreds of different faces (and odours). He doesn't appear to care that you want to go home. He doesn't care that you don't get paid after six. He'll gladly wander in at three minutes to, and pretty much refuse to leave until he's finished being served. This can take anywhere from five minutes (minor irritation), to half an hour (seething rage). If you try to hint to him that you might like him to go home now, he will ignore you. If you dare to do so much as outright chuck him out, he will explode in a fit of rage and complain to your head office.
He might not even buy anything. He'll gladly fart-arse about and waste your time, and do all the normal crap that customers do all day (only now it feels 100x more excruciating) without shame or apology, and still not spend any money.
Sometimes you will thwart him. You will get that door closed and locked before he makes it. But it isn't over. He will knock on the doors and windows, rattle the door handle, wave and shout at you, demanding to come in. Even if the shutters have been put down, he will still try to force the door open. If you just happen to unlock the door for a moment, to let your last customer out (another Last Minute Customer, successfully ousted), he will attempt to force his way in. As though that will earn him the right to be served.
I'd like to take a moment to point out that this is not the case. We're not running some grand challenge. We're not trying to lock that door to challenge you, to see if you can make it in and get served. We're doing it because we're finished. Entering the building does not alter this, i promise.
In one case, we actually had a guy come round to the back door, half an hour after closing, and had the cheek to complain (and threaten to complain to head office) because we wouldnt give him a refund. Bear in mind the tills weren't just closed, but cashed up and locked in the safe. I wasn't there personally, but i would have asked him just how he planned to word his complaint. 'They wouldn't give me a refund when I knocked at the delivery entrance half an hour after closing' wouldn't carry much weight, i imagine.
A lot of Last Minute Customers are difficult refunds. This is because they know you are much less likely to argue, as you want to go home. This is a false assumption. We know your game, and hate you viciously for it. You're more likely to get sent home and told to come back another time, or we'll simply choose to send it away for testing, which can take several weeks. You want to waste our time, we're only too happy to waste yours.
Now i know some people are working, and don't get out until we're nearly closed. This is not a valid excuse in my opinion. We sell next to nothing that could be described as an 'essential'. I don't see why your average person couldn't wait a day longer for anything they could buy from us. Therefore, i propose they do what i do. Go shopping on a day off. It makes sense you know.
Remember: When a store's opening hours are 9 till 6, or 10 till 8 or whatever, those are the hours it is open for. 6pm is not the time you need to arrive by to get served, it is the time we are finished, completely and totally. It is the time from which the company no longer pays us. Now I have a hard time caring about the average customer when i'm being paid to do so. Why i should care for free is beyond me. So do not arrive at a shop two minutes before closing, and expect more than two minutes service. If you need half an hour's service, arrive at the store more than half an hour before closing. It sounds simple, but apparently it isnt.
On a completely different note, when a customer points to a battery charger, and asks you what it is, or specifically points to the sign that says 'battery charger' and asks what it is, how do you explain it without using the words 'battery' or 'charger'?
Thursday 27 September 2007
Twins
I have at times been mistaken for another member of staff. We don't really look alike, but have a similar hairstyle, and i guess people just look at the top of my head or something. I have gotten used to this, and is no more than a vaguely amusing occurence.
My customer today however, took this to new levels. My 'counterpart' was nowhere in sight. I served the gentleman over in the corner of the shop, handed him what he needed, and headed for the till so i could put it through for him.
I get to the till, and he arrives moments later, and gives me a surprised look. 'Oh, I think I just spoke to your twin over there!" he says. At first, i don't understand what he's going on about, until it finally sinks in.
I've just been mistaken for myself.
My customer today however, took this to new levels. My 'counterpart' was nowhere in sight. I served the gentleman over in the corner of the shop, handed him what he needed, and headed for the till so i could put it through for him.
I get to the till, and he arrives moments later, and gives me a surprised look. 'Oh, I think I just spoke to your twin over there!" he says. At first, i don't understand what he's going on about, until it finally sinks in.
I've just been mistaken for myself.
Wednesday 26 September 2007
The Complexities Of Money
Isn't money a difficult thing? All those little numbers, adding up... all those different pieces of paper and coins that mean different things? Do you ever feel confused by them?
Consider the customer. He is faced with a bill of £64.99. He produces: 2x £20 notes, and 1x £5 note. He counts this and says '£65, there you go.'
No sir, i need another £20.
'What?'
I have £45 here. I need another £20.
This leads to a small confusion of rustling pockets and flying money. This reveals a whole mess of notes and coins before me. I now have: 2x £20 notes, 1x £5 notes and five pound coins. I inform the gentleman that, alas, this still falls short by £14.99.
Six 50p coins and two more £1 coins grace my counter. Very good sir, we're still short £10 though.
Three more £1 coins come my way. I come close to giving up. We still need £6. This customer has a pocketful of change that would shame many small banks, so it's not like he's having to really search for the money. There's also a whole £5 note that keeps appearing and disappearing without ever moving in my direction.
The pounds coins start to come out again. This time i count along with them as they hit the counter. '6!...5!...4!...3!...2!...1!... Oh. You've stopped. I still need £1. Thats it... another one of those coins there. There we go! Thabk you sir, and here's your receipt.'
At long bloody last. Bear in mind this gentleman was definately english, and middle aged, and therefore could not be struggling with the language, or unfamiliar with the money. He wasn't obviously mentally disabled. He seemed slightly dim, and smelt like he'd been living in a damp hole somewhere, but was essentially normal. Or at least by my standards, which you may have noticed, could be considerably distorted by now.
Yet it was a considerable struggle to simply get the right money out of him. It's also worth noticing that he had bought something else a few minutes earlier, paying £30 quite effortlessly. Yet suddenly it was like the concept of money was entirely foreign to him, or that i had suddenly demanded that he pay me in Mongolian Togrog.
More mysterious still, this customer isn't unknown to me. I in fact remember him well as he once paid something like £40 entirely in pound coins, which were covered in some strange kind of dirt, that suggested he may have stolen them from a grave somewhere. This sale had been executed without any difficulty, though i tried not to touch the coins more than was strictly neccessary.
It all goes to show that the world is a strange, unpredictable and mysterious place, It's possible that things simply happen so that people can write and complain about them on the internet. Think about it.
Consider the customer. He is faced with a bill of £64.99. He produces: 2x £20 notes, and 1x £5 note. He counts this and says '£65, there you go.'
No sir, i need another £20.
'What?'
I have £45 here. I need another £20.
This leads to a small confusion of rustling pockets and flying money. This reveals a whole mess of notes and coins before me. I now have: 2x £20 notes, 1x £5 notes and five pound coins. I inform the gentleman that, alas, this still falls short by £14.99.
Six 50p coins and two more £1 coins grace my counter. Very good sir, we're still short £10 though.
Three more £1 coins come my way. I come close to giving up. We still need £6. This customer has a pocketful of change that would shame many small banks, so it's not like he's having to really search for the money. There's also a whole £5 note that keeps appearing and disappearing without ever moving in my direction.
The pounds coins start to come out again. This time i count along with them as they hit the counter. '6!...5!...4!...3!...2!...1!... Oh. You've stopped. I still need £1. Thats it... another one of those coins there. There we go! Thabk you sir, and here's your receipt.'
At long bloody last. Bear in mind this gentleman was definately english, and middle aged, and therefore could not be struggling with the language, or unfamiliar with the money. He wasn't obviously mentally disabled. He seemed slightly dim, and smelt like he'd been living in a damp hole somewhere, but was essentially normal. Or at least by my standards, which you may have noticed, could be considerably distorted by now.
Yet it was a considerable struggle to simply get the right money out of him. It's also worth noticing that he had bought something else a few minutes earlier, paying £30 quite effortlessly. Yet suddenly it was like the concept of money was entirely foreign to him, or that i had suddenly demanded that he pay me in Mongolian Togrog.
More mysterious still, this customer isn't unknown to me. I in fact remember him well as he once paid something like £40 entirely in pound coins, which were covered in some strange kind of dirt, that suggested he may have stolen them from a grave somewhere. This sale had been executed without any difficulty, though i tried not to touch the coins more than was strictly neccessary.
It all goes to show that the world is a strange, unpredictable and mysterious place, It's possible that things simply happen so that people can write and complain about them on the internet. Think about it.
Monday 24 September 2007
Communication Difficulties.
Hey look! I'm alive!
Today's topic stems from two gentlemen i have 'spoken' to in the last week.
Case one: The (Possibly) Deaf Guy.
By and large, i really don't have a problem dealing with deaf people. I've had regular customers who are deaf, and we quickly work out a method of communication which gets them helped out as well as i can manage.
Now i assume this fellow was deaf. Maybe he was broken. Maybe he was a hamster in a human shaped robot-suit. Either way, the only sound i could get out of him was 'eee!' Now as syllables go, this one isn't among the most useful out there. Therefore our exchange runs as follows:
Hamster-Person: "Eee!"
Me: "Can i help?"
H-P: "Eee! eee eee! eee eee eee eee!" (hands waving around, indicating some kind of box, then something further away. Then something that might be a complicated euphanism for something horrible, or the plugging-in of a cable).
Me: "I'm sorry. I don't quite follow you."
H-P: "Eee! Eee! ooom! (Aha! a new syllable. Perhaps i can work with this). Eee!" (More hand waving, indicating more or less the same vaguely disturbing things).
My continued attempts fail to provide any more useful information, and eventually our conversation draws to a frustrated close. My customer is unhappy at our lack of results, but i feel unsure of what i could actually do. The gentlemen appeared to think we were able to communicate in this fashion, and sadly i was found wanting.
Case Two: The Guy Who Comes From Some Country That Isnt England, But I'll Be Buggered If I Can Figure Out Which One.
Now i deal with a lot of foreign customers. There are a lot of them around here, and i've gotten used to a lot of accents and dialects, and can usually get past all but the worst of language barriers. However, i cannot deal with someone talking a completely different language at me, as though this is a good way to communicate.
It really doesn't matter how many times you repeat it to me, i am incabaple of learning a foreign language enough to solve the problem at hand. Indicating that you have a television, and want to plug something in to it only gives me so many clues. Once i've exhausted the possibilities these clues provide, i generally require further information. I do not recieve such a thing, only the same explanation in a language i cannot begin to identify.
The problem is escaping these situations. One must avoid potential complaints, and therefore must try hard not to offend. One must try hard to be as helpful as possible. Retail companies send 'secret shoppers' down to you every so often, and they are often out to see how well you behave in difficult situations. Whilst i don't believe they'd ever be so drastic in their approach, you can never be to sure. Either way, you're being paid to be nice to these people, and therefore cannot really break of the conversation yourself for fear of causing offence.
It is therefore a long, painful wait for them to realise that they aren't going to get what they want, and end the conversation themselves. The worst part is that, unlike the dithering elderly, or the dribblingly mad, you cannot spot these people from a distance. By the time you realise you've got one, it's too late. And they never give up easily. Often they will come back for more. Yet another thing to colour the lives of retail workers everywhere. Because we'd hate to be bored.
Today's topic stems from two gentlemen i have 'spoken' to in the last week.
Case one: The (Possibly) Deaf Guy.
By and large, i really don't have a problem dealing with deaf people. I've had regular customers who are deaf, and we quickly work out a method of communication which gets them helped out as well as i can manage.
Now i assume this fellow was deaf. Maybe he was broken. Maybe he was a hamster in a human shaped robot-suit. Either way, the only sound i could get out of him was 'eee!' Now as syllables go, this one isn't among the most useful out there. Therefore our exchange runs as follows:
Hamster-Person: "Eee!"
Me: "Can i help?"
H-P: "Eee! eee eee! eee eee eee eee!" (hands waving around, indicating some kind of box, then something further away. Then something that might be a complicated euphanism for something horrible, or the plugging-in of a cable).
Me: "I'm sorry. I don't quite follow you."
H-P: "Eee! Eee! ooom! (Aha! a new syllable. Perhaps i can work with this). Eee!" (More hand waving, indicating more or less the same vaguely disturbing things).
My continued attempts fail to provide any more useful information, and eventually our conversation draws to a frustrated close. My customer is unhappy at our lack of results, but i feel unsure of what i could actually do. The gentlemen appeared to think we were able to communicate in this fashion, and sadly i was found wanting.
Case Two: The Guy Who Comes From Some Country That Isnt England, But I'll Be Buggered If I Can Figure Out Which One.
Now i deal with a lot of foreign customers. There are a lot of them around here, and i've gotten used to a lot of accents and dialects, and can usually get past all but the worst of language barriers. However, i cannot deal with someone talking a completely different language at me, as though this is a good way to communicate.
It really doesn't matter how many times you repeat it to me, i am incabaple of learning a foreign language enough to solve the problem at hand. Indicating that you have a television, and want to plug something in to it only gives me so many clues. Once i've exhausted the possibilities these clues provide, i generally require further information. I do not recieve such a thing, only the same explanation in a language i cannot begin to identify.
The problem is escaping these situations. One must avoid potential complaints, and therefore must try hard not to offend. One must try hard to be as helpful as possible. Retail companies send 'secret shoppers' down to you every so often, and they are often out to see how well you behave in difficult situations. Whilst i don't believe they'd ever be so drastic in their approach, you can never be to sure. Either way, you're being paid to be nice to these people, and therefore cannot really break of the conversation yourself for fear of causing offence.
It is therefore a long, painful wait for them to realise that they aren't going to get what they want, and end the conversation themselves. The worst part is that, unlike the dithering elderly, or the dribblingly mad, you cannot spot these people from a distance. By the time you realise you've got one, it's too late. And they never give up easily. Often they will come back for more. Yet another thing to colour the lives of retail workers everywhere. Because we'd hate to be bored.
Wednesday 15 August 2007
If Only...
There are times i wish i could say the things running through my head:
What I Want To Say: "You are a complete moron. Your mental problems are not a fault. Get away from me".
What I Actually Say: "Are you sure it's faulty sir? You followed the instruction manual properly yes?"
What I Want To Say: "I really really hate you, you know that?"
What I Actually Say: "You wan't to see it again? Alright i'll go get it down again."
What I Want To Say: "Yes i'm busy. You can tell because of all these things i'm doing."
What I Actually Say: "No, it's alright. How can I help?"
What I Want To Say: "If you don't shut your damn mouth in the next five seconds, you're going to wake up in a ditch somewhere."
What I Actually Say: "I understand what you're saying sir, but please let me explain."
What I Want To Say: "If I have to explain myself once more, I'm going to shove the damn thing up your nose."
What I Actually Say: "No sir, that's the one you need. This one won't be any good for what you're trying to do."
What I Want To Say: "Piss off."
What I Actually Say: "Good morning!"
What I Want To Say: "What the hell is actually wrong with you? Who comes out shopping at this kind of time? We've been open all day! Why now?"
What I Actually Say: "We're closing in three minutes sir."
What I Want To Say: "You're still asking questions? You know what time it is, I know this because I've told you five times now. Do you honestly think I'm going to sit here with you all night? I'm not getting paid anymore you know."
What I Actually Say: "Could we start wrapping this up now? We closed five minutes ago."
What I Want To Say: "Go on, get lost. If i ever have to look at you again, I might just kill someone."
What I Actually Say: "Thank you sir, Goodnight."
What I Want To Say: "You are a complete moron. Your mental problems are not a fault. Get away from me".
What I Actually Say: "Are you sure it's faulty sir? You followed the instruction manual properly yes?"
What I Want To Say: "I really really hate you, you know that?"
What I Actually Say: "You wan't to see it again? Alright i'll go get it down again."
What I Want To Say: "Yes i'm busy. You can tell because of all these things i'm doing."
What I Actually Say: "No, it's alright. How can I help?"
What I Want To Say: "If you don't shut your damn mouth in the next five seconds, you're going to wake up in a ditch somewhere."
What I Actually Say: "I understand what you're saying sir, but please let me explain."
What I Want To Say: "If I have to explain myself once more, I'm going to shove the damn thing up your nose."
What I Actually Say: "No sir, that's the one you need. This one won't be any good for what you're trying to do."
What I Want To Say: "Piss off."
What I Actually Say: "Good morning!"
What I Want To Say: "What the hell is actually wrong with you? Who comes out shopping at this kind of time? We've been open all day! Why now?"
What I Actually Say: "We're closing in three minutes sir."
What I Want To Say: "You're still asking questions? You know what time it is, I know this because I've told you five times now. Do you honestly think I'm going to sit here with you all night? I'm not getting paid anymore you know."
What I Actually Say: "Could we start wrapping this up now? We closed five minutes ago."
What I Want To Say: "Go on, get lost. If i ever have to look at you again, I might just kill someone."
What I Actually Say: "Thank you sir, Goodnight."
Thursday 9 August 2007
Language Barriers
Where i work, we have a rather large amount of customers who don't speak english as a primary language. This in itself isn't a problem at all. Normally they speak enough to communicate, or we just muddle through without saying a lot. All is well.
Sometimes however, it becomes a significant problem. A good example has occured recently.
I have a customer, and he likes to talk a lot. He talks loudly and energetically, with much pointing of fingers and waving off hands. That's nice. He doesn't, however, speak much english. Or if he does, he chooses not to.
He seems to have the unique impression that i will magically learn arabic or whatever it is, if he occasionally and randomly inserts english words into his sentences. This leaves me with the task of picking out enough of these words to understand what on earth is going on. Generally, i fail. Curiously, he seems to understand what i say back to him. I think.
Worse still, he always brings a friend. Together they chatter away in thier own tongue, in the same lively manner. After a few minutes your brain has decided it's not going to get anything useful from this and takes a well-deserved rest. Suddenly, however, the attention is back on you, with some hand waving, foreign chatter and those scarce few, precious english words. Bear in mind of course that he has a very strong accent, so these are reasonably difficult to understand, even for a seasoned veteran.
They've told me they'll be back for more stuff tomorrow. I'll enjoy that. I've always enjoyed hide-and seek.
Sometimes however, it becomes a significant problem. A good example has occured recently.
I have a customer, and he likes to talk a lot. He talks loudly and energetically, with much pointing of fingers and waving off hands. That's nice. He doesn't, however, speak much english. Or if he does, he chooses not to.
He seems to have the unique impression that i will magically learn arabic or whatever it is, if he occasionally and randomly inserts english words into his sentences. This leaves me with the task of picking out enough of these words to understand what on earth is going on. Generally, i fail. Curiously, he seems to understand what i say back to him. I think.
Worse still, he always brings a friend. Together they chatter away in thier own tongue, in the same lively manner. After a few minutes your brain has decided it's not going to get anything useful from this and takes a well-deserved rest. Suddenly, however, the attention is back on you, with some hand waving, foreign chatter and those scarce few, precious english words. Bear in mind of course that he has a very strong accent, so these are reasonably difficult to understand, even for a seasoned veteran.
They've told me they'll be back for more stuff tomorrow. I'll enjoy that. I've always enjoyed hide-and seek.
Tuesday 7 August 2007
People I Try To Avoid #2
THE CLEARLY INSANE:
Now this one's probably obvious. Of course i want to avoid crazy people.
However, you must understand the true dread of meeting the truly deranged. If you are unlucky, you will not realise it has happened to you until it's too late. Nothing replaces that small, slight panic as your normal-looking customer opens his or her mouth and spouts forth a frothing pile of drooly nonsense.
From here, your experience can lead down two equally unpleasant paths:
1)- Whatever it is they want, you certainly dont have it. You of course try to pass this information onto them, but it will have even less effect than it does on a normal, sane* customer. The predictable explain-repeat-repeat-try to run away cycle ensues, but instead of a normal* person, you instead have to deal with someone who may well be wearing underpants on their head. Why is this worse? Because the truly insane seem to enjoy the mindless repetition. They simply won't leave you alone. The only way out of this cycle is to show them something that will amuse them for a few minutes, then go hide somewhere.
2)- They actually want something you can help with. This is possibly worse. Similar to the events described in 1), only now you have to explain things to them. They will invariably want something complicated. Like the old people i mentioned before, they will not understand your explanations, no matter how simplified you make them. What makes this worse is that running and hiding isn't usually an option. Instead you have to stay with them until they actually get what they want. Or you commit suicide. Whatever happens first.
For extra flavour, Insane person may also have one or more of these extra features:
-Drool. Nothing is quite so off-putting as having someone leaving puddles on your counter.
-Intense smell. Your regular crazy person has little time for hygeine, or the concept at least eludes them. Their very presence makes you want to vomit.
-Sudden, unexpected smell. There is something truly horrible about someone smelling of human excrement. There is something worse about this smell only arriving several minutes into the conversation.
-Random, surprising behaviour. I have experienced such gems as 'getting up really really close to you without any warning whatsoever', 'repeated touching', 'showing me your rather unpleasant disfigurement' and 'crying for no apparent reason'. All of these i feel underqualified to deal with.
*- Sort of.
Now this one's probably obvious. Of course i want to avoid crazy people.
However, you must understand the true dread of meeting the truly deranged. If you are unlucky, you will not realise it has happened to you until it's too late. Nothing replaces that small, slight panic as your normal-looking customer opens his or her mouth and spouts forth a frothing pile of drooly nonsense.
From here, your experience can lead down two equally unpleasant paths:
1)- Whatever it is they want, you certainly dont have it. You of course try to pass this information onto them, but it will have even less effect than it does on a normal, sane* customer. The predictable explain-repeat-repeat-try to run away cycle ensues, but instead of a normal* person, you instead have to deal with someone who may well be wearing underpants on their head. Why is this worse? Because the truly insane seem to enjoy the mindless repetition. They simply won't leave you alone. The only way out of this cycle is to show them something that will amuse them for a few minutes, then go hide somewhere.
2)- They actually want something you can help with. This is possibly worse. Similar to the events described in 1), only now you have to explain things to them. They will invariably want something complicated. Like the old people i mentioned before, they will not understand your explanations, no matter how simplified you make them. What makes this worse is that running and hiding isn't usually an option. Instead you have to stay with them until they actually get what they want. Or you commit suicide. Whatever happens first.
For extra flavour, Insane person may also have one or more of these extra features:
-Drool. Nothing is quite so off-putting as having someone leaving puddles on your counter.
-Intense smell. Your regular crazy person has little time for hygeine, or the concept at least eludes them. Their very presence makes you want to vomit.
-Sudden, unexpected smell. There is something truly horrible about someone smelling of human excrement. There is something worse about this smell only arriving several minutes into the conversation.
-Random, surprising behaviour. I have experienced such gems as 'getting up really really close to you without any warning whatsoever', 'repeated touching', 'showing me your rather unpleasant disfigurement' and 'crying for no apparent reason'. All of these i feel underqualified to deal with.
*- Sort of.
Wednesday 1 August 2007
How rude!
Every so often, i experience something which afterwards leads me to question whether or not it was real.
Today i had such an experience. I answered the phone, and the fellow on the other end asked me for something. He was on a mobile phone, and i couldn't quite grab what it was he asked me, so i ask if he could please say that again, i didn't quite catch it.
"You heard me." he says. "You heard me. You're just trying to act stupid."
Excuse me?
"You heard me."
Sir, you're not on a good signal, i'm having a little trouble hearing you.
"This is a new phone." (as if that ever mattered) "You heard me."
...At which point i hung up.
Now, i may be alone and mistaken for thinking in such a way, but this seemed to be a rather unprovoked outburst on his part. I'm not entirely sure what i did to deserve it. I sometimes wonder if people actually set out to have an argument with a random person, for reasons that seem unfathomable.
Even if i assume that the guy was genuine, i can only wonder what he thought i'd have to gain by pretending not to hear him. If i didn't want to talk to him, i wouldn't have picked up the phone. (Alright, i don't want to talk to most people, but i have to pick up the phone. Nevertheless it'd be a bit pointless to pretend i've gone deaf immediately afterwards).
It's also worth mentioning that not being able to hear something isn't a sign of stupidity in any way. As a matter of fact, a good sign of stupidity is accusing random shopkeepers of deliberately not listening to you, presumably to annoy you.
Again it appears to me that there is a widespread belief that shopkeepers are devious, untrustworthy beasts, dedicated not to making money, but to making your life as difficult as possible, and to prevent you from buying things you need.
Maybe they're right, and i've been doing this wrong. If so, someone please tell me. I want in on the fun.
Today i had such an experience. I answered the phone, and the fellow on the other end asked me for something. He was on a mobile phone, and i couldn't quite grab what it was he asked me, so i ask if he could please say that again, i didn't quite catch it.
"You heard me." he says. "You heard me. You're just trying to act stupid."
Excuse me?
"You heard me."
Sir, you're not on a good signal, i'm having a little trouble hearing you.
"This is a new phone." (as if that ever mattered) "You heard me."
...At which point i hung up.
Now, i may be alone and mistaken for thinking in such a way, but this seemed to be a rather unprovoked outburst on his part. I'm not entirely sure what i did to deserve it. I sometimes wonder if people actually set out to have an argument with a random person, for reasons that seem unfathomable.
Even if i assume that the guy was genuine, i can only wonder what he thought i'd have to gain by pretending not to hear him. If i didn't want to talk to him, i wouldn't have picked up the phone. (Alright, i don't want to talk to most people, but i have to pick up the phone. Nevertheless it'd be a bit pointless to pretend i've gone deaf immediately afterwards).
It's also worth mentioning that not being able to hear something isn't a sign of stupidity in any way. As a matter of fact, a good sign of stupidity is accusing random shopkeepers of deliberately not listening to you, presumably to annoy you.
Again it appears to me that there is a widespread belief that shopkeepers are devious, untrustworthy beasts, dedicated not to making money, but to making your life as difficult as possible, and to prevent you from buying things you need.
Maybe they're right, and i've been doing this wrong. If so, someone please tell me. I want in on the fun.
Wednesday 25 July 2007
Suspicion And Other Fun Games
You may or may not be surprised to learn that shopkeepers are not to be trusted.
They may be distorting the truth to get more money out of you. Therefore it is natural to treat any attempt to sell you anything with utmost suspicion.
Apparently they may also be deliberately hiding items of stock from you, so that you may in fact leave without spending any money. The reasons for this are unclear. Therefore it is natural that when told that the store you are in doesn't sell the item you need, you will continue to search the shelves, closely inspecting each and every product that looks even minutely similar.
They may even lie about the kinds of things they sell. They will dare to tell you that their electronics store does not in fact sell items such as curtain hooks, 'No Parking' signs, plumbing equipment and suchlike. Therefore it is natural that you will argue with them, informing them that your friend/brother/son/schizophrenic voice assured you that you could find the product here. Of course this informant knows a lot better than the guy that works there everyday.
It's amazing what those damn sneaky shopkeepers get up to in order to annoy you for no apparent reason.
They may be distorting the truth to get more money out of you. Therefore it is natural to treat any attempt to sell you anything with utmost suspicion.
Apparently they may also be deliberately hiding items of stock from you, so that you may in fact leave without spending any money. The reasons for this are unclear. Therefore it is natural that when told that the store you are in doesn't sell the item you need, you will continue to search the shelves, closely inspecting each and every product that looks even minutely similar.
They may even lie about the kinds of things they sell. They will dare to tell you that their electronics store does not in fact sell items such as curtain hooks, 'No Parking' signs, plumbing equipment and suchlike. Therefore it is natural that you will argue with them, informing them that your friend/brother/son/schizophrenic voice assured you that you could find the product here. Of course this informant knows a lot better than the guy that works there everyday.
It's amazing what those damn sneaky shopkeepers get up to in order to annoy you for no apparent reason.
Thursday 19 July 2007
The Process Of A Refused Refund
In any retailer's life, there will be a time when a refund is refused. This will often be a harrowing experience, and will be quite upsetting to those that aren't used to it. There will be much shouting from the customer, and much wishing you could say things back and keep your job.
There is a certain pattern to any Refused Refund.
PART ONE: THE SET-UP
The customer will come into your shop with an item of varying worth. It is often somewhere around the price of £20. It will probably be faulty, if it is not faulty, it will most likely be in a horrendous condition that makes it fit only for the incinerator. This item will have been bought almost a year ago. There will, and this is important, Not be a reciept. There will be no proof of purchase of any kind.
At this point i would like to explain Proof Of Purchase, seeing as so many people apparently don't understand it. The law states that no, you do not need a reciept. You do however, require some kind of proof of purchase. This can be a bank statement, or anything that proves beyond reasonable doubt that you purchased the item, and so that we may track and find your reciept details.
If you are particularly dense, you might not understand why this is necessary. Well it's simple. We need to know that you A) did, in fact buy the product and B) that you bought it from us. It proves you didn't just steal it and want money for it now.
PART TWO: INITIAL REACTION
This is where we, the staff members, do everything we can to help. Seriously, we don't have a problem getting a refund you're entitled to. However at this stage YOU fail US. Do not tell me you bought it 'About 8 months ago' There's a good chance we sold a lot of your product that month. Couple this with being unable to remember how you paid for it and if you bought anything with it, and you're giving us a nightmare. A search may pull up 30 transactions from that month. Before you even ask, no we can't just use one of them anyway. That reciept belongs to someone else. If we use thier reciept number, we cant give them a refund if they bring thiers back.
So at this point we are knackered. Telling us roughly which month of the year you bought it is not adaquate proof of purchase. It really isnt. Even if we only find one reciept for your product on that month, it proves nothing. It could still be from anyone else in the world. For all we know, you stole this from another store yesterday. No refund for you.
PART THREE: THE LIES
Now the story begins to shift and change. Did i say October? I meant November. You didn't sell any then? Maybe it was September. Aaand... i bought... Some blank cd's? No? No i definately bought some printer ink... (At this point i throw out a little decoy. I looke down at the pages of transactions in my hand and make something up. I might say 'Are you sure you didn't get anything else? Like a laptop charger, or a keyboard?' They'll probably then say 'Yeah! Yeah i got a charger didn't i?' I'll shake my head. Nope. None here. 'Oh, wait, no actually i think it was a keyboard come to think of it.' Nope, not any of those either. Now they know i know they're lying. But they'll never admit it).
Then come the better lies. The two most obvious ones are 'I'm a lawyer!' or 'I'm a customer service manager, and i'm in charge of refunds for -insert company here-!'
It's amazing how many people around here are badly informed lawyers. Apparently. They'll tell you they know Trading Standards law back to front. Conveniently this law states that they dont need any proof ofpurchase at all (They do) and i have to give them a refund no matter what (I don't).
They will go as far as tell you that another company doesn't need proof of purchase for a refund at all. This is brilliant! What on earth am i doing working? I'll just go take a load of stuff off the shelves in this other store, and demand refunds! Of course, no company does this. If any company caught you just handing out refunds like that, you'll be looking for a new job pretty sharpish. That's the point of proof of purchase. So people can't con your business out of ridiculous sums of money.
PART FOUR: THE ARGUMENT
Actually, most of this occurs within the events of Part Three. The customer will no admit defeat. Now not every single one is a con-man (Or woman. You'd be surprised how many are women). Some are genuine refunds i'm sure. The problem is, we can't tell you apart, and can't really make a decision based on whether we like the look of you or not. That's more or less predjudice. Mind you, i've noticed that predjudice is only a bad word if it does not directly benefit you.
The customer will now get louder and less rational. They will begin to repeat earlier arguments. They will often choose to ignore entire parts of the previous conversation, yelling things like 'You can just look my reciept up!' or 'I'm a lawyer! You have to give me a refund!'
This stage simply has to be endured. The best tactic is just to stay as polite and firm as possible, and refrain from losing your own temper (though i admit to failing on this point once or twice). After a sufficient passage of time, the customer will realise that they can't get much further with you, even with threats of physical violence (Which doesn't always happen. That one's thankfully rare). They will then proceed to...
PART FIVE: WHINGING
Now it's time to complain. The customer will fight on, higher and higher up the chain of authority, in some deranged belief that the higher you go, the more likely you are to get what you want. (This is not the case. In fact it's a lot less likely). The best part is that no matter how polite and helpful you've managed to be up to this point, as soon as the customer begins talking to the higher figures of authority, you automatically become 'Rude and Unhelpful.'
I've actually figured out that this is part of the customer's unique language, and requires translation in the Customer to English dictionary:
Rude: (lit): Isn't saying exactly what i want to hear.
Unhelpful: (lit): Isn't doing exactly what i want them to do.
This will go on and on and on. Eventually, the customer will leave in a huff, with a final promise of legal action that never arrives, or an angry husband/brother/parent that also never arrives. Briefly you wish that everyone were this entertaining. It gives everyone a lot to talk about afterwards.
By the way, if you're one of these customers i need to tell you something. the customers behind you in the queue, or indeed elsewhere in the shop WILL laugh at you once you've left. They are not all in quiet awe of you, or giving their total support. They think you're a self-righteous little arsehole, and quite rightly so.
ONE LAST THING...
I hate the phrase 'The customer is always right' Who the hell came up with that? It's a load of crap.
I mention it because it often crops up in these arguments. It seems to me that the customer is quite happy to decide he's always right when he wants something you don't want to give him, but it quite happy to admit he might be wrong if he wants your help with something. How very convenient. The phrase should be 'The customer is always right except for when he's wrong.' But i suppose that's not quite so snappy. Besides, if you're always right, why did you buy the wrong thing the first time eh? EH?
*Wipes away rabid foam*
Ok... I'm done for now.
There is a certain pattern to any Refused Refund.
PART ONE: THE SET-UP
The customer will come into your shop with an item of varying worth. It is often somewhere around the price of £20. It will probably be faulty, if it is not faulty, it will most likely be in a horrendous condition that makes it fit only for the incinerator. This item will have been bought almost a year ago. There will, and this is important, Not be a reciept. There will be no proof of purchase of any kind.
At this point i would like to explain Proof Of Purchase, seeing as so many people apparently don't understand it. The law states that no, you do not need a reciept. You do however, require some kind of proof of purchase. This can be a bank statement, or anything that proves beyond reasonable doubt that you purchased the item, and so that we may track and find your reciept details.
If you are particularly dense, you might not understand why this is necessary. Well it's simple. We need to know that you A) did, in fact buy the product and B) that you bought it from us. It proves you didn't just steal it and want money for it now.
PART TWO: INITIAL REACTION
This is where we, the staff members, do everything we can to help. Seriously, we don't have a problem getting a refund you're entitled to. However at this stage YOU fail US. Do not tell me you bought it 'About 8 months ago' There's a good chance we sold a lot of your product that month. Couple this with being unable to remember how you paid for it and if you bought anything with it, and you're giving us a nightmare. A search may pull up 30 transactions from that month. Before you even ask, no we can't just use one of them anyway. That reciept belongs to someone else. If we use thier reciept number, we cant give them a refund if they bring thiers back.
So at this point we are knackered. Telling us roughly which month of the year you bought it is not adaquate proof of purchase. It really isnt. Even if we only find one reciept for your product on that month, it proves nothing. It could still be from anyone else in the world. For all we know, you stole this from another store yesterday. No refund for you.
PART THREE: THE LIES
Now the story begins to shift and change. Did i say October? I meant November. You didn't sell any then? Maybe it was September. Aaand... i bought... Some blank cd's? No? No i definately bought some printer ink... (At this point i throw out a little decoy. I looke down at the pages of transactions in my hand and make something up. I might say 'Are you sure you didn't get anything else? Like a laptop charger, or a keyboard?' They'll probably then say 'Yeah! Yeah i got a charger didn't i?' I'll shake my head. Nope. None here. 'Oh, wait, no actually i think it was a keyboard come to think of it.' Nope, not any of those either. Now they know i know they're lying. But they'll never admit it).
Then come the better lies. The two most obvious ones are 'I'm a lawyer!' or 'I'm a customer service manager, and i'm in charge of refunds for -insert company here-!'
It's amazing how many people around here are badly informed lawyers. Apparently. They'll tell you they know Trading Standards law back to front. Conveniently this law states that they dont need any proof ofpurchase at all (They do) and i have to give them a refund no matter what (I don't).
They will go as far as tell you that another company doesn't need proof of purchase for a refund at all. This is brilliant! What on earth am i doing working? I'll just go take a load of stuff off the shelves in this other store, and demand refunds! Of course, no company does this. If any company caught you just handing out refunds like that, you'll be looking for a new job pretty sharpish. That's the point of proof of purchase. So people can't con your business out of ridiculous sums of money.
PART FOUR: THE ARGUMENT
Actually, most of this occurs within the events of Part Three. The customer will no admit defeat. Now not every single one is a con-man (Or woman. You'd be surprised how many are women). Some are genuine refunds i'm sure. The problem is, we can't tell you apart, and can't really make a decision based on whether we like the look of you or not. That's more or less predjudice. Mind you, i've noticed that predjudice is only a bad word if it does not directly benefit you.
The customer will now get louder and less rational. They will begin to repeat earlier arguments. They will often choose to ignore entire parts of the previous conversation, yelling things like 'You can just look my reciept up!' or 'I'm a lawyer! You have to give me a refund!'
This stage simply has to be endured. The best tactic is just to stay as polite and firm as possible, and refrain from losing your own temper (though i admit to failing on this point once or twice). After a sufficient passage of time, the customer will realise that they can't get much further with you, even with threats of physical violence (Which doesn't always happen. That one's thankfully rare). They will then proceed to...
PART FIVE: WHINGING
Now it's time to complain. The customer will fight on, higher and higher up the chain of authority, in some deranged belief that the higher you go, the more likely you are to get what you want. (This is not the case. In fact it's a lot less likely). The best part is that no matter how polite and helpful you've managed to be up to this point, as soon as the customer begins talking to the higher figures of authority, you automatically become 'Rude and Unhelpful.'
I've actually figured out that this is part of the customer's unique language, and requires translation in the Customer to English dictionary:
Rude: (lit): Isn't saying exactly what i want to hear.
Unhelpful: (lit): Isn't doing exactly what i want them to do.
This will go on and on and on. Eventually, the customer will leave in a huff, with a final promise of legal action that never arrives, or an angry husband/brother/parent that also never arrives. Briefly you wish that everyone were this entertaining. It gives everyone a lot to talk about afterwards.
By the way, if you're one of these customers i need to tell you something. the customers behind you in the queue, or indeed elsewhere in the shop WILL laugh at you once you've left. They are not all in quiet awe of you, or giving their total support. They think you're a self-righteous little arsehole, and quite rightly so.
ONE LAST THING...
I hate the phrase 'The customer is always right' Who the hell came up with that? It's a load of crap.
I mention it because it often crops up in these arguments. It seems to me that the customer is quite happy to decide he's always right when he wants something you don't want to give him, but it quite happy to admit he might be wrong if he wants your help with something. How very convenient. The phrase should be 'The customer is always right except for when he's wrong.' But i suppose that's not quite so snappy. Besides, if you're always right, why did you buy the wrong thing the first time eh? EH?
*Wipes away rabid foam*
Ok... I'm done for now.
Wednesday 18 July 2007
What a day...
They were pretty much crawling out of the woodwork today.
There were too many to recount really, but a few stick in the mind.
Exhibit A is Broken Lead Guy (BLG). Mr BLG walks into the store and hands me a piece of broken lead. It's worth mentioning that i'm already serving someone, but apparently he thinks he's more important. Now i'd like to further expand on my initial meeting with him, but there's nothing else. He hands me a piece of broken lead. He then stares at me, wordlessly and expectantly.
After a moment's pause, all i can think to say is 'Yup, thats a lead alright. What would you like me to do about it?'
Cue strange, indecipherable babble. I think the word 'door' is in there somewhere but i'm not sure. The hand gestures he's making may in fact indicate 'Claw' or possibly 'Huge meteor dropping out of the sky.' I tell him sorry, but i didn't quite catch that. What was it he actually needed? Again i get the claw/meteor thing, and a word that sounded a little like 'Booshk' but little else. I tell him, alright, i'm just serving this guy here, i'll get back to you alright?
Whilst serving the other guy, one of my colleagues becomes free and helps the guy for me. I'm pretty sure at this point he says 'I'd like a new lead like this one'. I of course had pretty much guessed this, but i rather like to make sure we're on the same level. Why he decided he couldn't tell me is anyone's guess.
Exhibit B is a typical case of Inappropriate Answer Syndrome. A prime example in fact. A gentlemen brings me the keyfob to his car (The bit that unlocks the door and/or arms/disarms the alarm). It needs a new battery, which isnt an uncommon request. This usually means i'll have to take it apart and find out what battery it needs first. Yet foolishly i reserve a little hope, and ask himw hich battery it takes, in the hope that he'll have checked himself (This particular guy actually had two of these, one of which was in fact already opened).
He tells me 'I bought them here two years ago.' I wait a moment. Maybe it was just an offhand comment. Nope. There's no more mental activity going on there. He's decided that was the answer to my question.
Reflect on this for a moment. I did not work here two years go. If i did, the chances of me remembering you and what you bought are next to zero. The only chance of me remembering a customer and exactly what they bought two years ago would be if they were a seven foot tall, green skinned crosdresser with no arms and only one leg, who happened to have bought a large mechanical walrus. A short, unremarkable indian guy with a small watch battery stands no chance whatsoever. So wearily i get my screwdriver and set about my task.
Exhibit C is Never Listens Guy (NLG). We get a lot of these. He tells me he needs a Hdmi to VGA adaptor. He sees HDMI to DVI, but thats it. I kindly tell him sorry, but thats all we do. We dont do what he wants. I'm not certain what he wants is at all available anywhere, he might need to do a little research.
'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'
Yeah i know. I don't have that. Sorry.
'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'
Again yes. You told me. Dont have 'em. Sorry.
'See, like this. VGA. I need this. I have HDMI. I need this to HDMI.'
Yup, i know what a VGA socket looks like. I still don't have them.
He now pores over the catalogue for a while, turning pages back and forth. He points to the pictures a few times and repeats 'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'.
This goes on for a good ten minutes. I'm not joking. I only wish i were. I had my hands behind my back, gripping my belt because my hands seemed to want to reach out and brain him.
And so my day continued. These weren't the only guys by a long shot, only those i could be bothered to describe in any detail here. We still had the usual glut of Suddenly Vanishing Customers, Wanderers, Refuse-To-Move-No-Matter-The-Reason people and so on and so on.
I can only hope the rest of the week is as rich in providing material as today was.
No... On second thoughts no. I really don't.
There were too many to recount really, but a few stick in the mind.
Exhibit A is Broken Lead Guy (BLG). Mr BLG walks into the store and hands me a piece of broken lead. It's worth mentioning that i'm already serving someone, but apparently he thinks he's more important. Now i'd like to further expand on my initial meeting with him, but there's nothing else. He hands me a piece of broken lead. He then stares at me, wordlessly and expectantly.
After a moment's pause, all i can think to say is 'Yup, thats a lead alright. What would you like me to do about it?'
Cue strange, indecipherable babble. I think the word 'door' is in there somewhere but i'm not sure. The hand gestures he's making may in fact indicate 'Claw' or possibly 'Huge meteor dropping out of the sky.' I tell him sorry, but i didn't quite catch that. What was it he actually needed? Again i get the claw/meteor thing, and a word that sounded a little like 'Booshk' but little else. I tell him, alright, i'm just serving this guy here, i'll get back to you alright?
Whilst serving the other guy, one of my colleagues becomes free and helps the guy for me. I'm pretty sure at this point he says 'I'd like a new lead like this one'. I of course had pretty much guessed this, but i rather like to make sure we're on the same level. Why he decided he couldn't tell me is anyone's guess.
Exhibit B is a typical case of Inappropriate Answer Syndrome. A prime example in fact. A gentlemen brings me the keyfob to his car (The bit that unlocks the door and/or arms/disarms the alarm). It needs a new battery, which isnt an uncommon request. This usually means i'll have to take it apart and find out what battery it needs first. Yet foolishly i reserve a little hope, and ask himw hich battery it takes, in the hope that he'll have checked himself (This particular guy actually had two of these, one of which was in fact already opened).
He tells me 'I bought them here two years ago.' I wait a moment. Maybe it was just an offhand comment. Nope. There's no more mental activity going on there. He's decided that was the answer to my question.
Reflect on this for a moment. I did not work here two years go. If i did, the chances of me remembering you and what you bought are next to zero. The only chance of me remembering a customer and exactly what they bought two years ago would be if they were a seven foot tall, green skinned crosdresser with no arms and only one leg, who happened to have bought a large mechanical walrus. A short, unremarkable indian guy with a small watch battery stands no chance whatsoever. So wearily i get my screwdriver and set about my task.
Exhibit C is Never Listens Guy (NLG). We get a lot of these. He tells me he needs a Hdmi to VGA adaptor. He sees HDMI to DVI, but thats it. I kindly tell him sorry, but thats all we do. We dont do what he wants. I'm not certain what he wants is at all available anywhere, he might need to do a little research.
'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'
Yeah i know. I don't have that. Sorry.
'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'
Again yes. You told me. Dont have 'em. Sorry.
'See, like this. VGA. I need this. I have HDMI. I need this to HDMI.'
Yup, i know what a VGA socket looks like. I still don't have them.
He now pores over the catalogue for a while, turning pages back and forth. He points to the pictures a few times and repeats 'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'.
This goes on for a good ten minutes. I'm not joking. I only wish i were. I had my hands behind my back, gripping my belt because my hands seemed to want to reach out and brain him.
And so my day continued. These weren't the only guys by a long shot, only those i could be bothered to describe in any detail here. We still had the usual glut of Suddenly Vanishing Customers, Wanderers, Refuse-To-Move-No-Matter-The-Reason people and so on and so on.
I can only hope the rest of the week is as rich in providing material as today was.
No... On second thoughts no. I really don't.
Wednesday 11 July 2007
If you don't know what you want...
Then how am i supposed to know?
Seriously. When a guy walks into the shop, and needs some kind of small component it can be a mental challenge. Usually there are loads of the damn things, which are very similar looking, but critically different, and it can take a while to work out exactly which one is the right one. This process is made longer if the customer isn't entirely sure which values they need.
It is made entirely im-bloody-possible when all they know is roughly what it looks like. They will stab at any picture that looks slightly similar and go 'that one!'
So you think ok, fine. There's about fifteen on the list here that look like that. Which value do you need? Naturally he doesnt know. 'What do you reckon?' he asks.
Well i don't bloody know do i? If i ask what it's being used for, you just say 'it's for a dashboard'. Which is super-helpful. Not to mention, if i was a freaking electritian, i wouldn't be working here for peanuts. I tend to form the opinion that if you know this little about the thing you're working on, you should leave it well alone and get someone professional to do it.
Of course you can't say those things quite like that, but you do try to get the point across. You tell them that you really aren't able to say what they need, and maybe they should find out precisely which values they need. They tend to get upset by this, and suggest that you somehow don't know how to do your job. They start talking to you as though you were, in fact, the idiot in this conversation.
I personally would love to see a minumum wage shop employee anywhere know all of his or her products inside out. Especially without training. (they don't train us. That might cost them money in some way). Oh well.
Today i also encountered another guy. This is the Takes-Forever-To-Complete-A-Thought guy. I have to stress that TFTCAT guy isn't disabled in any way. He simply seems to approach every question as though it required chess-master type thinking. Even simple questions like 'Would you prefer this? It basically the same thing, but because it comes as a package, it costs about £5 less.' are met with five minutes of thoughtful silence. He then decides, inexplicably, to take the more expensive option.
Actually, it's amazing how often people do that. When faced with a deal that is cheaper and offers no disadvantages whatsoever, they will shy away and take the more expensive option. want a lightbulb? Ok, but look, we do a four pack thats actually outright cheaper than the two pack! You don't need four? Ok. You can keep them as spares though, so you don't need to buy them again for a while. You'll just take the two pack? Fine, whatever.
People won't let you save them money. Yet, curiously are unwilling to part with thier money if you actualy try to get them to buy something either. They ask for discounts, cheaper, lower quality alternatives, you name it, but will happily look a gift horse in the proverbial mouth. You just can't win sometimes.
Seriously. When a guy walks into the shop, and needs some kind of small component it can be a mental challenge. Usually there are loads of the damn things, which are very similar looking, but critically different, and it can take a while to work out exactly which one is the right one. This process is made longer if the customer isn't entirely sure which values they need.
It is made entirely im-bloody-possible when all they know is roughly what it looks like. They will stab at any picture that looks slightly similar and go 'that one!'
So you think ok, fine. There's about fifteen on the list here that look like that. Which value do you need? Naturally he doesnt know. 'What do you reckon?' he asks.
Well i don't bloody know do i? If i ask what it's being used for, you just say 'it's for a dashboard'. Which is super-helpful. Not to mention, if i was a freaking electritian, i wouldn't be working here for peanuts. I tend to form the opinion that if you know this little about the thing you're working on, you should leave it well alone and get someone professional to do it.
Of course you can't say those things quite like that, but you do try to get the point across. You tell them that you really aren't able to say what they need, and maybe they should find out precisely which values they need. They tend to get upset by this, and suggest that you somehow don't know how to do your job. They start talking to you as though you were, in fact, the idiot in this conversation.
I personally would love to see a minumum wage shop employee anywhere know all of his or her products inside out. Especially without training. (they don't train us. That might cost them money in some way). Oh well.
Today i also encountered another guy. This is the Takes-Forever-To-Complete-A-Thought guy. I have to stress that TFTCAT guy isn't disabled in any way. He simply seems to approach every question as though it required chess-master type thinking. Even simple questions like 'Would you prefer this? It basically the same thing, but because it comes as a package, it costs about £5 less.' are met with five minutes of thoughtful silence. He then decides, inexplicably, to take the more expensive option.
Actually, it's amazing how often people do that. When faced with a deal that is cheaper and offers no disadvantages whatsoever, they will shy away and take the more expensive option. want a lightbulb? Ok, but look, we do a four pack thats actually outright cheaper than the two pack! You don't need four? Ok. You can keep them as spares though, so you don't need to buy them again for a while. You'll just take the two pack? Fine, whatever.
People won't let you save them money. Yet, curiously are unwilling to part with thier money if you actualy try to get them to buy something either. They ask for discounts, cheaper, lower quality alternatives, you name it, but will happily look a gift horse in the proverbial mouth. You just can't win sometimes.
Monday 9 July 2007
Things that annoy me after a while...
Here are a list of things that really start to irritate me after a while. They might not sound like much at first, but about fifteen times a day (at least) start to grind on my nerves.
1) Me (introducing myself when recieving a phone call): "Hi this is (Company name), (Shop location), (My name) speaking, can i help you?
Customer: Is this (company name)?
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Customer: The one in (Shop location)?
Me: Yup.
Customer: Right, i was just wondering if you could help me... Who am i speaking to?
2)Me: Would you like a bag?
Customer: My car's parked outside.
-Thats nice, but doesn't really answer my question. If you don't want a bag, just say 'No.' I don't give a damn where your chosen vehicule is. Unless you rode a really big dog here.
3)Me: Would you like a bag? (again)
Customer: Nah, don't worry. Save the environment eh?
-What? I fail to see how this helps the environment. I will eventually give this bag to somebody. I won't be sending it back for the production process to be reversed. Some people go as far as to say 'Save the squirrels'. Which is a slightly odd motto at best. It's worth pointing out that we use polythene bags. Squirrels don't live in polythene trees. As far as i am aware, the bag is also 0% Squirrel. So i'm not sure how you're saving them by not taking a bag. It's fine that you don't want a bag, but dont expect me to give you a pat on the back for it.
4) Customer: I appreciate you're busy, but...
- This is what a customer says moments before wasting a good half hour of my life. Usually without buying anything. So, no you don't appreciate that i'm busy at all. If you'd appreciated it, you'd have gone and talked to one of the staff just standing around, waiting for someone to serve. Not the guy who has his hands, teeth and possibly feet full with something else. This leads me onto my final point...
5) This isn't a verbal thing. This is a unique way of getting my attention by making me feel as uncomfortable as possible.
Imagine the situation. You are me. You have been given a job to do, and you need to do it sharpish. You are now busily crouching by a shelf, doing whatever it was you were told to do. Imagine also that there are two other staff members nearby, who are totally free and available.
Enter the customer. He does not speak. He may go as far as to ignore another member of staff who tries to speak to him. He will instead stand near you. He will proceed to stare at you, not saying a word. He watches you while you work. He might move a little closer.
I've tested this, and can say confidently that he will wait any length of time before making his move. He will make his move the moment your attention is not 100% on the task at hand. This can be, for example, if you stand up for a moment because you got a cramp in your leg. If you look slightly in his direction. If he decides you simply aren't busy enough to satisfy him. He will then pounce with the battlecry of customers everywhere: "Excuse me!" (This isnt said to politely get your attention. It never is. It is said in the same way one might say "Notice me, peon!")
There is a strange tendancy for the customer to seek the busiest looking person on the shop floor for help. I haven't quite worked out whythis is yet. Someone once ventured the idea that this was because it made you look the more hardworking, and therefore better, employee. I disagree, as i'm often accosted while vacuuming the carpet. Seeing as this could easily mean i'm just the cleaner, i doubt i'm being chosen for my infinite wisdom. I just really think people enjoy pissing shop staff off.
1) Me (introducing myself when recieving a phone call): "Hi this is (Company name), (Shop location), (My name) speaking, can i help you?
Customer: Is this (company name)?
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Customer: The one in (Shop location)?
Me: Yup.
Customer: Right, i was just wondering if you could help me... Who am i speaking to?
2)Me: Would you like a bag?
Customer: My car's parked outside.
-Thats nice, but doesn't really answer my question. If you don't want a bag, just say 'No.' I don't give a damn where your chosen vehicule is. Unless you rode a really big dog here.
3)Me: Would you like a bag? (again)
Customer: Nah, don't worry. Save the environment eh?
-What? I fail to see how this helps the environment. I will eventually give this bag to somebody. I won't be sending it back for the production process to be reversed. Some people go as far as to say 'Save the squirrels'. Which is a slightly odd motto at best. It's worth pointing out that we use polythene bags. Squirrels don't live in polythene trees. As far as i am aware, the bag is also 0% Squirrel. So i'm not sure how you're saving them by not taking a bag. It's fine that you don't want a bag, but dont expect me to give you a pat on the back for it.
4) Customer: I appreciate you're busy, but...
- This is what a customer says moments before wasting a good half hour of my life. Usually without buying anything. So, no you don't appreciate that i'm busy at all. If you'd appreciated it, you'd have gone and talked to one of the staff just standing around, waiting for someone to serve. Not the guy who has his hands, teeth and possibly feet full with something else. This leads me onto my final point...
5) This isn't a verbal thing. This is a unique way of getting my attention by making me feel as uncomfortable as possible.
Imagine the situation. You are me. You have been given a job to do, and you need to do it sharpish. You are now busily crouching by a shelf, doing whatever it was you were told to do. Imagine also that there are two other staff members nearby, who are totally free and available.
Enter the customer. He does not speak. He may go as far as to ignore another member of staff who tries to speak to him. He will instead stand near you. He will proceed to stare at you, not saying a word. He watches you while you work. He might move a little closer.
I've tested this, and can say confidently that he will wait any length of time before making his move. He will make his move the moment your attention is not 100% on the task at hand. This can be, for example, if you stand up for a moment because you got a cramp in your leg. If you look slightly in his direction. If he decides you simply aren't busy enough to satisfy him. He will then pounce with the battlecry of customers everywhere: "Excuse me!" (This isnt said to politely get your attention. It never is. It is said in the same way one might say "Notice me, peon!")
There is a strange tendancy for the customer to seek the busiest looking person on the shop floor for help. I haven't quite worked out whythis is yet. Someone once ventured the idea that this was because it made you look the more hardworking, and therefore better, employee. I disagree, as i'm often accosted while vacuuming the carpet. Seeing as this could easily mean i'm just the cleaner, i doubt i'm being chosen for my infinite wisdom. I just really think people enjoy pissing shop staff off.
Wednesday 4 July 2007
People I try to avoid #1
THE BEWILDERED OLD PERSON
This might sound cruel, but you can't imagine the dread that comes with a pleasant, but confused old person. This is the kind of person who toddles into your shop, around mid-morning, and asks you for something you simply dont sell. Something you never sell, and is nothing like anything you sell.
Of course you smile back, and apologise, but you don't sell what they want. This is met with a happy smile, but a complete lack of any other response. Apparently they want more. You ask if there's anything else you can help them with. They ask for the same item again.
This cycle may well repeat itself a few times, but thats alright. They're friendly and polite, which is much more than your average customer, and the conversation appears to be at an end. Or so you'd think.
The dreadful person instead wanders over to another product. He/she really doesn't intend to buy it, but will ask you a great many of questions about it, often more than once as they clearly dont understand a word you say, even though you're describing it in the very simplest way you can think of.
So now we're surely done. They're starting to wander off and you've escaped with only a mild headache. No. They're coming back again. They're asking you for something else that is completely different to anything you sell. They really need it apparently. Again you smile, tell them you don't have it. Maybe you offer a suggestion as to where they can find it. This process will again repeat a few times.
Then they've gone. If you're lucky, that's it.
If you're unlucky, they've simply moved to another part of the store you didn't see. You will encounter them when you least expect it, and will be immediately subjected to another round of either event described above.
This wouldn't be too bad alone. What makes it so painful is that you must never stop being polite and cheerful. To be anything less than kindness itself to this harmless little person would be like kicking a puppy. You can't do it without feeling like a monster.
The only way to avoid this whole situation is to hide when you see them for the very first time. Become busy somewhere else and let some other poor sod deal with it.
And how do you avoid being that other poor sod? Be very, very alert.
This might sound cruel, but you can't imagine the dread that comes with a pleasant, but confused old person. This is the kind of person who toddles into your shop, around mid-morning, and asks you for something you simply dont sell. Something you never sell, and is nothing like anything you sell.
Of course you smile back, and apologise, but you don't sell what they want. This is met with a happy smile, but a complete lack of any other response. Apparently they want more. You ask if there's anything else you can help them with. They ask for the same item again.
This cycle may well repeat itself a few times, but thats alright. They're friendly and polite, which is much more than your average customer, and the conversation appears to be at an end. Or so you'd think.
The dreadful person instead wanders over to another product. He/she really doesn't intend to buy it, but will ask you a great many of questions about it, often more than once as they clearly dont understand a word you say, even though you're describing it in the very simplest way you can think of.
So now we're surely done. They're starting to wander off and you've escaped with only a mild headache. No. They're coming back again. They're asking you for something else that is completely different to anything you sell. They really need it apparently. Again you smile, tell them you don't have it. Maybe you offer a suggestion as to where they can find it. This process will again repeat a few times.
Then they've gone. If you're lucky, that's it.
If you're unlucky, they've simply moved to another part of the store you didn't see. You will encounter them when you least expect it, and will be immediately subjected to another round of either event described above.
This wouldn't be too bad alone. What makes it so painful is that you must never stop being polite and cheerful. To be anything less than kindness itself to this harmless little person would be like kicking a puppy. You can't do it without feeling like a monster.
The only way to avoid this whole situation is to hide when you see them for the very first time. Become busy somewhere else and let some other poor sod deal with it.
And how do you avoid being that other poor sod? Be very, very alert.
Difficult questions to answer... Apparently.
There are times when i am required to ask certain questions. These are questions that i wouldn't really expect to be challenging. They run along the lines of 'So how long do you need that lead to be?'
This is met with a long, blank stare. It doesnt appear to be the kind of stare that tells me my customer is mentally measuring the distance between his appliances, but rather the stare of someone who doesnt comprehend what I've just asked him.
I try repeating my question. Maybe he didn't hear me. This is met with the same blanks stare.
I try a different approach. 'Is it a very short lead?' (measuring a short distance with my hands).
This seems to do the trick, and we shortly figure out that yes, we do need a short lead. (This might not be the case. It occurs to me that they might just be repeating what i've said, in place of actual thought. It seems to work anyway).
Sometimes we reach similar problems with other questions. Challenging questions like 'Can i take your name?' and 'would you like a bag?'
Imagine how fun the difficult questions are.
This is met with a long, blank stare. It doesnt appear to be the kind of stare that tells me my customer is mentally measuring the distance between his appliances, but rather the stare of someone who doesnt comprehend what I've just asked him.
I try repeating my question. Maybe he didn't hear me. This is met with the same blanks stare.
I try a different approach. 'Is it a very short lead?' (measuring a short distance with my hands).
This seems to do the trick, and we shortly figure out that yes, we do need a short lead. (This might not be the case. It occurs to me that they might just be repeating what i've said, in place of actual thought. It seems to work anyway).
Sometimes we reach similar problems with other questions. Challenging questions like 'Can i take your name?' and 'would you like a bag?'
Imagine how fun the difficult questions are.
Monday 2 July 2007
Let me help you help me.
I've been wondering for a while how to actually start this thing. What I decided to do, is give you all a little list. This list will tell you what to do, and what not to do to the poor guy serving you. If at any time in this list (or this blog) i say something that you feel insults you personally, I make no aplogies. You probably deserve to be shot.
So here's my first list then.
1. When going shopping, DO make an attempt to clean yourself before leaving the house. Soap and water isn't expensive. This is very important. If i can smell you from the other side of the store, and that smell isnt a pleasant flowery smell, then you have a problem. I will most certainly try to avoid you, or at least try to kill you with air freshener.
2. I understant that some people can suffer badly from bad breath, and this might not be thier own fault. However, if you are an unfortunate, halitosis-suffering soul, then please DO NOT place your mouth three inches from my nose while we talk. It is difficult to concentrate when you are being slowly poisoned.
3. Try to know at least a little about what you want. Your average shopkeeper is there to help you with the best of thier ability, but as far as i know, few shopkeepers are telepathic.
4. Do not get upset with me if i am unable to interpret your vague hand-waving and grunting. This is a form of communication i am not familiar with. Instead, you might try talking clearly in english.
5. If i have to disappear to go get something for you, try to remain roughly in the place i left you, or at least within sight of the counter. Do not vanish. Do not wander off. I don't care if someone's stealing your car/child/wife/dog/vegetable (delete where applicable). I don't want to have to come looking for you. You wouldn't like it if i kept wandering off now would you?
6. Likewise, if i ask you to follow me, or go to a different counter so i can serve you, please, please do so. Don't just stand there. Try to understand that i may have asked you to move for a reason.
7. This is VERY important. At times i may ask you questions, in order to figure out what you need. This is not an invitation to merely repeat to me what you have already said. I asked you the question because i require information you have not yet told me. If you don't know the answer, just be honest and say so. This isn't an exam you know.
8. If i tell you i don't have what you need, or i'm out of stock of something, please believe me. I really have nothing to gain by hiding stock from you. Arguing with me will not make me magically produce the item you want.
9. No i will not give you a discount. I simply don't like you enough.
10. We'll make this the last one, and therefore the most important. Closing time is the time you need to leave by, not the time you need to arrive by. Do not turn up thirty seconds before we close, and expect half an hour's service. Do not get upset if i dare to try and kick you out ten minutes after we close. I'm not getting paid anymore. I'd like to go home.
I will undoubtably add to this list over time. I hope that at least one or two people will read this and spot some of thier own mistakes. Remember, the less you upset the guy serving you, the more likely he is to help you. And he might not spend the rest of the day daydreaming about hurting you.
So here's my first list then.
1. When going shopping, DO make an attempt to clean yourself before leaving the house. Soap and water isn't expensive. This is very important. If i can smell you from the other side of the store, and that smell isnt a pleasant flowery smell, then you have a problem. I will most certainly try to avoid you, or at least try to kill you with air freshener.
2. I understant that some people can suffer badly from bad breath, and this might not be thier own fault. However, if you are an unfortunate, halitosis-suffering soul, then please DO NOT place your mouth three inches from my nose while we talk. It is difficult to concentrate when you are being slowly poisoned.
3. Try to know at least a little about what you want. Your average shopkeeper is there to help you with the best of thier ability, but as far as i know, few shopkeepers are telepathic.
4. Do not get upset with me if i am unable to interpret your vague hand-waving and grunting. This is a form of communication i am not familiar with. Instead, you might try talking clearly in english.
5. If i have to disappear to go get something for you, try to remain roughly in the place i left you, or at least within sight of the counter. Do not vanish. Do not wander off. I don't care if someone's stealing your car/child/wife/dog/vegetable (delete where applicable). I don't want to have to come looking for you. You wouldn't like it if i kept wandering off now would you?
6. Likewise, if i ask you to follow me, or go to a different counter so i can serve you, please, please do so. Don't just stand there. Try to understand that i may have asked you to move for a reason.
7. This is VERY important. At times i may ask you questions, in order to figure out what you need. This is not an invitation to merely repeat to me what you have already said. I asked you the question because i require information you have not yet told me. If you don't know the answer, just be honest and say so. This isn't an exam you know.
8. If i tell you i don't have what you need, or i'm out of stock of something, please believe me. I really have nothing to gain by hiding stock from you. Arguing with me will not make me magically produce the item you want.
9. No i will not give you a discount. I simply don't like you enough.
10. We'll make this the last one, and therefore the most important. Closing time is the time you need to leave by, not the time you need to arrive by. Do not turn up thirty seconds before we close, and expect half an hour's service. Do not get upset if i dare to try and kick you out ten minutes after we close. I'm not getting paid anymore. I'd like to go home.
I will undoubtably add to this list over time. I hope that at least one or two people will read this and spot some of thier own mistakes. Remember, the less you upset the guy serving you, the more likely he is to help you. And he might not spend the rest of the day daydreaming about hurting you.
Alright then...
Let's get started with a quick explanation.
I'm not here to tell you about going shopping. This is because i am a man and shopping bores me.
No, I'm one of those poor bastards who gets to stand on the other side of the counter. I'm the guy who has to smile at you while you do your best to kill me with your questionable hygiene, terrible halitosis and mind-numbing stupidity.
I'm a salesperson for an electronics store that shall remain unnamed (I don't want to get fired. Obviously), in the outer reaches of london. I get to give advice and help to hundreds of people, week in, week out. I'm the guy who tells you what leads you need for your hi-fi, what parts you need for your computer, ect, ect. (For the record, do not ask me those questions here. I will destroy you.)
So then. This blog. This is so i can vent at all of you, and in doing so at least make an attempt at preserving my sanity.
I only hope you like angry people.
I'm not here to tell you about going shopping. This is because i am a man and shopping bores me.
No, I'm one of those poor bastards who gets to stand on the other side of the counter. I'm the guy who has to smile at you while you do your best to kill me with your questionable hygiene, terrible halitosis and mind-numbing stupidity.
I'm a salesperson for an electronics store that shall remain unnamed (I don't want to get fired. Obviously), in the outer reaches of london. I get to give advice and help to hundreds of people, week in, week out. I'm the guy who tells you what leads you need for your hi-fi, what parts you need for your computer, ect, ect. (For the record, do not ask me those questions here. I will destroy you.)
So then. This blog. This is so i can vent at all of you, and in doing so at least make an attempt at preserving my sanity.
I only hope you like angry people.
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