Suspicion And Other Fun Games

You may or may not be surprised to learn that shopkeepers are not to be trusted.
They may be distorting the truth to get more money out of you. Therefore it is natural to treat any attempt to sell you anything with utmost suspicion.
Apparently they may also be deliberately hiding items of stock from you, so that you may in fact leave without spending any money. The reasons for this are unclear. Therefore it is natural that when told that the store you are in doesn't sell the item you need, you will continue to search the shelves, closely inspecting each and every product that looks even minutely similar.
They may even lie about the kinds of things they sell. They will dare to tell you that their electronics store does not in fact sell items such as curtain hooks, 'No Parking' signs, plumbing equipment and suchlike. Therefore it is natural that you will argue with them, informing them that your friend/brother/son/schizophrenic voice assured you that you could find the product here. Of course this informant knows a lot better than the guy that works there everyday.

It's amazing what those damn sneaky shopkeepers get up to in order to annoy you for no apparent reason.

The Process Of A Refused Refund

In any retailer's life, there will be a time when a refund is refused. This will often be a harrowing experience, and will be quite upsetting to those that aren't used to it. There will be much shouting from the customer, and much wishing you could say things back and keep your job.

There is a certain pattern to any Refused Refund.

PART ONE: THE SET-UP

The customer will come into your shop with an item of varying worth. It is often somewhere around the price of £20. It will probably be faulty, if it is not faulty, it will most likely be in a horrendous condition that makes it fit only for the incinerator. This item will have been bought almost a year ago. There will, and this is important, Not be a reciept. There will be no proof of purchase of any kind.

At this point i would like to explain Proof Of Purchase, seeing as so many people apparently don't understand it. The law states that no, you do not need a reciept. You do however, require some kind of proof of purchase. This can be a bank statement, or anything that proves beyond reasonable doubt that you purchased the item, and so that we may track and find your reciept details.
If you are particularly dense, you might not understand why this is necessary. Well it's simple. We need to know that you A) did, in fact buy the product and B) that you bought it from us. It proves you didn't just steal it and want money for it now.

PART TWO: INITIAL REACTION

This is where we, the staff members, do everything we can to help. Seriously, we don't have a problem getting a refund you're entitled to. However at this stage YOU fail US. Do not tell me you bought it 'About 8 months ago' There's a good chance we sold a lot of your product that month. Couple this with being unable to remember how you paid for it and if you bought anything with it, and you're giving us a nightmare. A search may pull up 30 transactions from that month. Before you even ask, no we can't just use one of them anyway. That reciept belongs to someone else. If we use thier reciept number, we cant give them a refund if they bring thiers back.
So at this point we are knackered. Telling us roughly which month of the year you bought it is not adaquate proof of purchase. It really isnt. Even if we only find one reciept for your product on that month, it proves nothing. It could still be from anyone else in the world. For all we know, you stole this from another store yesterday. No refund for you.

PART THREE: THE LIES

Now the story begins to shift and change. Did i say October? I meant November. You didn't sell any then? Maybe it was September. Aaand... i bought... Some blank cd's? No? No i definately bought some printer ink... (At this point i throw out a little decoy. I looke down at the pages of transactions in my hand and make something up. I might say 'Are you sure you didn't get anything else? Like a laptop charger, or a keyboard?' They'll probably then say 'Yeah! Yeah i got a charger didn't i?' I'll shake my head. Nope. None here. 'Oh, wait, no actually i think it was a keyboard come to think of it.' Nope, not any of those either. Now they know i know they're lying. But they'll never admit it).
Then come the better lies. The two most obvious ones are 'I'm a lawyer!' or 'I'm a customer service manager, and i'm in charge of refunds for -insert company here-!'
It's amazing how many people around here are badly informed lawyers. Apparently. They'll tell you they know Trading Standards law back to front. Conveniently this law states that they dont need any proof ofpurchase at all (They do) and i have to give them a refund no matter what (I don't).
They will go as far as tell you that another company doesn't need proof of purchase for a refund at all. This is brilliant! What on earth am i doing working? I'll just go take a load of stuff off the shelves in this other store, and demand refunds! Of course, no company does this. If any company caught you just handing out refunds like that, you'll be looking for a new job pretty sharpish. That's the point of proof of purchase. So people can't con your business out of ridiculous sums of money.

PART FOUR: THE ARGUMENT

Actually, most of this occurs within the events of Part Three. The customer will no admit defeat. Now not every single one is a con-man (Or woman. You'd be surprised how many are women). Some are genuine refunds i'm sure. The problem is, we can't tell you apart, and can't really make a decision based on whether we like the look of you or not. That's more or less predjudice. Mind you, i've noticed that predjudice is only a bad word if it does not directly benefit you.
The customer will now get louder and less rational. They will begin to repeat earlier arguments. They will often choose to ignore entire parts of the previous conversation, yelling things like 'You can just look my reciept up!' or 'I'm a lawyer! You have to give me a refund!'
This stage simply has to be endured. The best tactic is just to stay as polite and firm as possible, and refrain from losing your own temper (though i admit to failing on this point once or twice). After a sufficient passage of time, the customer will realise that they can't get much further with you, even with threats of physical violence (Which doesn't always happen. That one's thankfully rare). They will then proceed to...

PART FIVE: WHINGING

Now it's time to complain. The customer will fight on, higher and higher up the chain of authority, in some deranged belief that the higher you go, the more likely you are to get what you want. (This is not the case. In fact it's a lot less likely). The best part is that no matter how polite and helpful you've managed to be up to this point, as soon as the customer begins talking to the higher figures of authority, you automatically become 'Rude and Unhelpful.'
I've actually figured out that this is part of the customer's unique language, and requires translation in the Customer to English dictionary:

Rude: (lit): Isn't saying exactly what i want to hear.

Unhelpful: (lit): Isn't doing exactly what i want them to do.

This will go on and on and on. Eventually, the customer will leave in a huff, with a final promise of legal action that never arrives, or an angry husband/brother/parent that also never arrives. Briefly you wish that everyone were this entertaining. It gives everyone a lot to talk about afterwards.

By the way, if you're one of these customers i need to tell you something. the customers behind you in the queue, or indeed elsewhere in the shop WILL laugh at you once you've left. They are not all in quiet awe of you, or giving their total support. They think you're a self-righteous little arsehole, and quite rightly so.

ONE LAST THING...

I hate the phrase 'The customer is always right' Who the hell came up with that? It's a load of crap.
I mention it because it often crops up in these arguments. It seems to me that the customer is quite happy to decide he's always right when he wants something you don't want to give him, but it quite happy to admit he might be wrong if he wants your help with something. How very convenient. The phrase should be 'The customer is always right except for when he's wrong.' But i suppose that's not quite so snappy. Besides, if you're always right, why did you buy the wrong thing the first time eh? EH?
*Wipes away rabid foam*

Ok... I'm done for now.

What a day...

They were pretty much crawling out of the woodwork today.

There were too many to recount really, but a few stick in the mind.

Exhibit A is Broken Lead Guy (BLG). Mr BLG walks into the store and hands me a piece of broken lead. It's worth mentioning that i'm already serving someone, but apparently he thinks he's more important. Now i'd like to further expand on my initial meeting with him, but there's nothing else. He hands me a piece of broken lead. He then stares at me, wordlessly and expectantly.
After a moment's pause, all i can think to say is 'Yup, thats a lead alright. What would you like me to do about it?'
Cue strange, indecipherable babble. I think the word 'door' is in there somewhere but i'm not sure. The hand gestures he's making may in fact indicate 'Claw' or possibly 'Huge meteor dropping out of the sky.' I tell him sorry, but i didn't quite catch that. What was it he actually needed? Again i get the claw/meteor thing, and a word that sounded a little like 'Booshk' but little else. I tell him, alright, i'm just serving this guy here, i'll get back to you alright?
Whilst serving the other guy, one of my colleagues becomes free and helps the guy for me. I'm pretty sure at this point he says 'I'd like a new lead like this one'. I of course had pretty much guessed this, but i rather like to make sure we're on the same level. Why he decided he couldn't tell me is anyone's guess.

Exhibit B is a typical case of Inappropriate Answer Syndrome. A prime example in fact. A gentlemen brings me the keyfob to his car (The bit that unlocks the door and/or arms/disarms the alarm). It needs a new battery, which isnt an uncommon request. This usually means i'll have to take it apart and find out what battery it needs first. Yet foolishly i reserve a little hope, and ask himw hich battery it takes, in the hope that he'll have checked himself (This particular guy actually had two of these, one of which was in fact already opened).
He tells me 'I bought them here two years ago.' I wait a moment. Maybe it was just an offhand comment. Nope. There's no more mental activity going on there. He's decided that was the answer to my question.
Reflect on this for a moment. I did not work here two years go. If i did, the chances of me remembering you and what you bought are next to zero. The only chance of me remembering a customer and exactly what they bought two years ago would be if they were a seven foot tall, green skinned crosdresser with no arms and only one leg, who happened to have bought a large mechanical walrus. A short, unremarkable indian guy with a small watch battery stands no chance whatsoever. So wearily i get my screwdriver and set about my task.

Exhibit C is Never Listens Guy (NLG). We get a lot of these. He tells me he needs a Hdmi to VGA adaptor. He sees HDMI to DVI, but thats it. I kindly tell him sorry, but thats all we do. We dont do what he wants. I'm not certain what he wants is at all available anywhere, he might need to do a little research.
'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'
Yeah i know. I don't have that. Sorry.
'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'
Again yes. You told me. Dont have 'em. Sorry.
'See, like this. VGA. I need this. I have HDMI. I need this to HDMI.'
Yup, i know what a VGA socket looks like. I still don't have them.
He now pores over the catalogue for a while, turning pages back and forth. He points to the pictures a few times and repeats 'I see HDMI to DVI, DVI to HDMI, but i need HDMI to VGA'.
This goes on for a good ten minutes. I'm not joking. I only wish i were. I had my hands behind my back, gripping my belt because my hands seemed to want to reach out and brain him.

And so my day continued. These weren't the only guys by a long shot, only those i could be bothered to describe in any detail here. We still had the usual glut of Suddenly Vanishing Customers, Wanderers, Refuse-To-Move-No-Matter-The-Reason people and so on and so on.

I can only hope the rest of the week is as rich in providing material as today was.

No... On second thoughts no. I really don't.

If you don't know what you want...

Then how am i supposed to know?

Seriously. When a guy walks into the shop, and needs some kind of small component it can be a mental challenge. Usually there are loads of the damn things, which are very similar looking, but critically different, and it can take a while to work out exactly which one is the right one. This process is made longer if the customer isn't entirely sure which values they need.

It is made entirely im-bloody-possible when all they know is roughly what it looks like. They will stab at any picture that looks slightly similar and go 'that one!'
So you think ok, fine. There's about fifteen on the list here that look like that. Which value do you need? Naturally he doesnt know. 'What do you reckon?' he asks.

Well i don't bloody know do i? If i ask what it's being used for, you just say 'it's for a dashboard'. Which is super-helpful. Not to mention, if i was a freaking electritian, i wouldn't be working here for peanuts. I tend to form the opinion that if you know this little about the thing you're working on, you should leave it well alone and get someone professional to do it.

Of course you can't say those things quite like that, but you do try to get the point across. You tell them that you really aren't able to say what they need, and maybe they should find out precisely which values they need. They tend to get upset by this, and suggest that you somehow don't know how to do your job. They start talking to you as though you were, in fact, the idiot in this conversation.

I personally would love to see a minumum wage shop employee anywhere know all of his or her products inside out. Especially without training. (they don't train us. That might cost them money in some way). Oh well.

Today i also encountered another guy. This is the Takes-Forever-To-Complete-A-Thought guy. I have to stress that TFTCAT guy isn't disabled in any way. He simply seems to approach every question as though it required chess-master type thinking. Even simple questions like 'Would you prefer this? It basically the same thing, but because it comes as a package, it costs about £5 less.' are met with five minutes of thoughtful silence. He then decides, inexplicably, to take the more expensive option.

Actually, it's amazing how often people do that. When faced with a deal that is cheaper and offers no disadvantages whatsoever, they will shy away and take the more expensive option. want a lightbulb? Ok, but look, we do a four pack thats actually outright cheaper than the two pack! You don't need four? Ok. You can keep them as spares though, so you don't need to buy them again for a while. You'll just take the two pack? Fine, whatever.

People won't let you save them money. Yet, curiously are unwilling to part with thier money if you actualy try to get them to buy something either. They ask for discounts, cheaper, lower quality alternatives, you name it, but will happily look a gift horse in the proverbial mouth. You just can't win sometimes.

Things that annoy me after a while...

Here are a list of things that really start to irritate me after a while. They might not sound like much at first, but about fifteen times a day (at least) start to grind on my nerves.

1) Me (introducing myself when recieving a phone call): "Hi this is (Company name), (Shop location), (My name) speaking, can i help you?
Customer: Is this (company name)?
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Customer: The one in (Shop location)?
Me: Yup.
Customer: Right, i was just wondering if you could help me... Who am i speaking to?

2)Me: Would you like a bag?
Customer: My car's parked outside.
-Thats nice, but doesn't really answer my question. If you don't want a bag, just say 'No.' I don't give a damn where your chosen vehicule is. Unless you rode a really big dog here.

3)Me: Would you like a bag? (again)
Customer: Nah, don't worry. Save the environment eh?
-What? I fail to see how this helps the environment. I will eventually give this bag to somebody. I won't be sending it back for the production process to be reversed. Some people go as far as to say 'Save the squirrels'. Which is a slightly odd motto at best. It's worth pointing out that we use polythene bags. Squirrels don't live in polythene trees. As far as i am aware, the bag is also 0% Squirrel. So i'm not sure how you're saving them by not taking a bag. It's fine that you don't want a bag, but dont expect me to give you a pat on the back for it.

4) Customer: I appreciate you're busy, but...
- This is what a customer says moments before wasting a good half hour of my life. Usually without buying anything. So, no you don't appreciate that i'm busy at all. If you'd appreciated it, you'd have gone and talked to one of the staff just standing around, waiting for someone to serve. Not the guy who has his hands, teeth and possibly feet full with something else. This leads me onto my final point...

5) This isn't a verbal thing. This is a unique way of getting my attention by making me feel as uncomfortable as possible.
Imagine the situation. You are me. You have been given a job to do, and you need to do it sharpish. You are now busily crouching by a shelf, doing whatever it was you were told to do. Imagine also that there are two other staff members nearby, who are totally free and available.
Enter the customer. He does not speak. He may go as far as to ignore another member of staff who tries to speak to him. He will instead stand near you. He will proceed to stare at you, not saying a word. He watches you while you work. He might move a little closer.
I've tested this, and can say confidently that he will wait any length of time before making his move. He will make his move the moment your attention is not 100% on the task at hand. This can be, for example, if you stand up for a moment because you got a cramp in your leg. If you look slightly in his direction. If he decides you simply aren't busy enough to satisfy him. He will then pounce with the battlecry of customers everywhere: "Excuse me!" (This isnt said to politely get your attention. It never is. It is said in the same way one might say "Notice me, peon!")

There is a strange tendancy for the customer to seek the busiest looking person on the shop floor for help. I haven't quite worked out whythis is yet. Someone once ventured the idea that this was because it made you look the more hardworking, and therefore better, employee. I disagree, as i'm often accosted while vacuuming the carpet. Seeing as this could easily mean i'm just the cleaner, i doubt i'm being chosen for my infinite wisdom. I just really think people enjoy pissing shop staff off.

People I try to avoid #1

THE BEWILDERED OLD PERSON

This might sound cruel, but you can't imagine the dread that comes with a pleasant, but confused old person. This is the kind of person who toddles into your shop, around mid-morning, and asks you for something you simply dont sell. Something you never sell, and is nothing like anything you sell.
Of course you smile back, and apologise, but you don't sell what they want. This is met with a happy smile, but a complete lack of any other response. Apparently they want more. You ask if there's anything else you can help them with. They ask for the same item again.

This cycle may well repeat itself a few times, but thats alright. They're friendly and polite, which is much more than your average customer, and the conversation appears to be at an end. Or so you'd think.
The dreadful person instead wanders over to another product. He/she really doesn't intend to buy it, but will ask you a great many of questions about it, often more than once as they clearly dont understand a word you say, even though you're describing it in the very simplest way you can think of.
So now we're surely done. They're starting to wander off and you've escaped with only a mild headache. No. They're coming back again. They're asking you for something else that is completely different to anything you sell. They really need it apparently. Again you smile, tell them you don't have it. Maybe you offer a suggestion as to where they can find it. This process will again repeat a few times.
Then they've gone. If you're lucky, that's it.
If you're unlucky, they've simply moved to another part of the store you didn't see. You will encounter them when you least expect it, and will be immediately subjected to another round of either event described above.
This wouldn't be too bad alone. What makes it so painful is that you must never stop being polite and cheerful. To be anything less than kindness itself to this harmless little person would be like kicking a puppy. You can't do it without feeling like a monster.

The only way to avoid this whole situation is to hide when you see them for the very first time. Become busy somewhere else and let some other poor sod deal with it.
And how do you avoid being that other poor sod? Be very, very alert.

Difficult questions to answer... Apparently.

There are times when i am required to ask certain questions. These are questions that i wouldn't really expect to be challenging. They run along the lines of 'So how long do you need that lead to be?'

This is met with a long, blank stare. It doesnt appear to be the kind of stare that tells me my customer is mentally measuring the distance between his appliances, but rather the stare of someone who doesnt comprehend what I've just asked him.

I try repeating my question. Maybe he didn't hear me. This is met with the same blanks stare.

I try a different approach. 'Is it a very short lead?' (measuring a short distance with my hands).

This seems to do the trick, and we shortly figure out that yes, we do need a short lead. (This might not be the case. It occurs to me that they might just be repeating what i've said, in place of actual thought. It seems to work anyway).

Sometimes we reach similar problems with other questions. Challenging questions like 'Can i take your name?' and 'would you like a bag?'

Imagine how fun the difficult questions are.

Let me help you help me.

I've been wondering for a while how to actually start this thing. What I decided to do, is give you all a little list. This list will tell you what to do, and what not to do to the poor guy serving you. If at any time in this list (or this blog) i say something that you feel insults you personally, I make no aplogies. You probably deserve to be shot.
So here's my first list then.

1. When going shopping, DO make an attempt to clean yourself before leaving the house. Soap and water isn't expensive. This is very important. If i can smell you from the other side of the store, and that smell isnt a pleasant flowery smell, then you have a problem. I will most certainly try to avoid you, or at least try to kill you with air freshener.

2. I understant that some people can suffer badly from bad breath, and this might not be thier own fault. However, if you are an unfortunate, halitosis-suffering soul, then please DO NOT place your mouth three inches from my nose while we talk. It is difficult to concentrate when you are being slowly poisoned.

3. Try to know at least a little about what you want. Your average shopkeeper is there to help you with the best of thier ability, but as far as i know, few shopkeepers are telepathic.

4. Do not get upset with me if i am unable to interpret your vague hand-waving and grunting. This is a form of communication i am not familiar with. Instead, you might try talking clearly in english.

5. If i have to disappear to go get something for you, try to remain roughly in the place i left you, or at least within sight of the counter. Do not vanish. Do not wander off. I don't care if someone's stealing your car/child/wife/dog/vegetable (delete where applicable). I don't want to have to come looking for you. You wouldn't like it if i kept wandering off now would you?

6. Likewise, if i ask you to follow me, or go to a different counter so i can serve you, please, please do so. Don't just stand there. Try to understand that i may have asked you to move for a reason.

7. This is VERY important. At times i may ask you questions, in order to figure out what you need. This is not an invitation to merely repeat to me what you have already said. I asked you the question because i require information you have not yet told me. If you don't know the answer, just be honest and say so. This isn't an exam you know.

8. If i tell you i don't have what you need, or i'm out of stock of something, please believe me. I really have nothing to gain by hiding stock from you. Arguing with me will not make me magically produce the item you want.

9. No i will not give you a discount. I simply don't like you enough.

10. We'll make this the last one, and therefore the most important. Closing time is the time you need to leave by, not the time you need to arrive by. Do not turn up thirty seconds before we close, and expect half an hour's service. Do not get upset if i dare to try and kick you out ten minutes after we close. I'm not getting paid anymore. I'd like to go home.


I will undoubtably add to this list over time. I hope that at least one or two people will read this and spot some of thier own mistakes. Remember, the less you upset the guy serving you, the more likely he is to help you. And he might not spend the rest of the day daydreaming about hurting you.

Alright then...

Let's get started with a quick explanation.

I'm not here to tell you about going shopping. This is because i am a man and shopping bores me.

No, I'm one of those poor bastards who gets to stand on the other side of the counter. I'm the guy who has to smile at you while you do your best to kill me with your questionable hygiene, terrible halitosis and mind-numbing stupidity.

I'm a salesperson for an electronics store that shall remain unnamed (I don't want to get fired. Obviously), in the outer reaches of london. I get to give advice and help to hundreds of people, week in, week out. I'm the guy who tells you what leads you need for your hi-fi, what parts you need for your computer, ect, ect. (For the record, do not ask me those questions here. I will destroy you.)

So then. This blog. This is so i can vent at all of you, and in doing so at least make an attempt at preserving my sanity.

I only hope you like angry people.