The Process Of A Refused Refund

In any retailer's life, there will be a time when a refund is refused. This will often be a harrowing experience, and will be quite upsetting to those that aren't used to it. There will be much shouting from the customer, and much wishing you could say things back and keep your job.

There is a certain pattern to any Refused Refund.

PART ONE: THE SET-UP

The customer will come into your shop with an item of varying worth. It is often somewhere around the price of £20. It will probably be faulty, if it is not faulty, it will most likely be in a horrendous condition that makes it fit only for the incinerator. This item will have been bought almost a year ago. There will, and this is important, Not be a reciept. There will be no proof of purchase of any kind.

At this point i would like to explain Proof Of Purchase, seeing as so many people apparently don't understand it. The law states that no, you do not need a reciept. You do however, require some kind of proof of purchase. This can be a bank statement, or anything that proves beyond reasonable doubt that you purchased the item, and so that we may track and find your reciept details.
If you are particularly dense, you might not understand why this is necessary. Well it's simple. We need to know that you A) did, in fact buy the product and B) that you bought it from us. It proves you didn't just steal it and want money for it now.

PART TWO: INITIAL REACTION

This is where we, the staff members, do everything we can to help. Seriously, we don't have a problem getting a refund you're entitled to. However at this stage YOU fail US. Do not tell me you bought it 'About 8 months ago' There's a good chance we sold a lot of your product that month. Couple this with being unable to remember how you paid for it and if you bought anything with it, and you're giving us a nightmare. A search may pull up 30 transactions from that month. Before you even ask, no we can't just use one of them anyway. That reciept belongs to someone else. If we use thier reciept number, we cant give them a refund if they bring thiers back.
So at this point we are knackered. Telling us roughly which month of the year you bought it is not adaquate proof of purchase. It really isnt. Even if we only find one reciept for your product on that month, it proves nothing. It could still be from anyone else in the world. For all we know, you stole this from another store yesterday. No refund for you.

PART THREE: THE LIES

Now the story begins to shift and change. Did i say October? I meant November. You didn't sell any then? Maybe it was September. Aaand... i bought... Some blank cd's? No? No i definately bought some printer ink... (At this point i throw out a little decoy. I looke down at the pages of transactions in my hand and make something up. I might say 'Are you sure you didn't get anything else? Like a laptop charger, or a keyboard?' They'll probably then say 'Yeah! Yeah i got a charger didn't i?' I'll shake my head. Nope. None here. 'Oh, wait, no actually i think it was a keyboard come to think of it.' Nope, not any of those either. Now they know i know they're lying. But they'll never admit it).
Then come the better lies. The two most obvious ones are 'I'm a lawyer!' or 'I'm a customer service manager, and i'm in charge of refunds for -insert company here-!'
It's amazing how many people around here are badly informed lawyers. Apparently. They'll tell you they know Trading Standards law back to front. Conveniently this law states that they dont need any proof ofpurchase at all (They do) and i have to give them a refund no matter what (I don't).
They will go as far as tell you that another company doesn't need proof of purchase for a refund at all. This is brilliant! What on earth am i doing working? I'll just go take a load of stuff off the shelves in this other store, and demand refunds! Of course, no company does this. If any company caught you just handing out refunds like that, you'll be looking for a new job pretty sharpish. That's the point of proof of purchase. So people can't con your business out of ridiculous sums of money.

PART FOUR: THE ARGUMENT

Actually, most of this occurs within the events of Part Three. The customer will no admit defeat. Now not every single one is a con-man (Or woman. You'd be surprised how many are women). Some are genuine refunds i'm sure. The problem is, we can't tell you apart, and can't really make a decision based on whether we like the look of you or not. That's more or less predjudice. Mind you, i've noticed that predjudice is only a bad word if it does not directly benefit you.
The customer will now get louder and less rational. They will begin to repeat earlier arguments. They will often choose to ignore entire parts of the previous conversation, yelling things like 'You can just look my reciept up!' or 'I'm a lawyer! You have to give me a refund!'
This stage simply has to be endured. The best tactic is just to stay as polite and firm as possible, and refrain from losing your own temper (though i admit to failing on this point once or twice). After a sufficient passage of time, the customer will realise that they can't get much further with you, even with threats of physical violence (Which doesn't always happen. That one's thankfully rare). They will then proceed to...

PART FIVE: WHINGING

Now it's time to complain. The customer will fight on, higher and higher up the chain of authority, in some deranged belief that the higher you go, the more likely you are to get what you want. (This is not the case. In fact it's a lot less likely). The best part is that no matter how polite and helpful you've managed to be up to this point, as soon as the customer begins talking to the higher figures of authority, you automatically become 'Rude and Unhelpful.'
I've actually figured out that this is part of the customer's unique language, and requires translation in the Customer to English dictionary:

Rude: (lit): Isn't saying exactly what i want to hear.

Unhelpful: (lit): Isn't doing exactly what i want them to do.

This will go on and on and on. Eventually, the customer will leave in a huff, with a final promise of legal action that never arrives, or an angry husband/brother/parent that also never arrives. Briefly you wish that everyone were this entertaining. It gives everyone a lot to talk about afterwards.

By the way, if you're one of these customers i need to tell you something. the customers behind you in the queue, or indeed elsewhere in the shop WILL laugh at you once you've left. They are not all in quiet awe of you, or giving their total support. They think you're a self-righteous little arsehole, and quite rightly so.

ONE LAST THING...

I hate the phrase 'The customer is always right' Who the hell came up with that? It's a load of crap.
I mention it because it often crops up in these arguments. It seems to me that the customer is quite happy to decide he's always right when he wants something you don't want to give him, but it quite happy to admit he might be wrong if he wants your help with something. How very convenient. The phrase should be 'The customer is always right except for when he's wrong.' But i suppose that's not quite so snappy. Besides, if you're always right, why did you buy the wrong thing the first time eh? EH?
*Wipes away rabid foam*

Ok... I'm done for now.